“Maybe you’re right, Alicia. Maybe I shouldn’t have been born, huh?”

32

Elsa

Aiden doesn’t text me back.

I stay up all night, trying to do homework, but all I do is watch my phone like a maniac.

Chaotic thoughts barge into my mind all at once, and none of them are good.

I hated that he went with his father. However, when he texted me in his usual crude way as soon as he got into the car, I thought things were okay.

Maybe they’re not.

Earlier, Uncle came to check on me before he went to bed. I didn’t miss how he barely made eye contact. His dark circles were more prominent like he hasn’t slept in days.

The possibility of being the reason behind that crushes me.

I haven’t seen Aunt since overhearing that conversation, and it’s for the best.

I still don’t know how to act around them just yet.

With a groan, I push off the desk and throw my body on the bed. It’s useless to study when I’ve been reading the same paragraph for hours.

I pull up Aiden’s number.

Elsa: Are you okay?

I bite my lip, waiting for him to see it.

Nothing.

Damn it.

I throw the phone under the pillow and close my eyes.

Everything will be fine in the morning.

* * *

A small hand surrounds my smaller one.

The one who shall not be named?

I glimpse up at him, his pretty trousers and shoes. His tousled black hair that falls on his forehead like silk.

He smiles down at me with a twinkle in his dark eyes.

His smile is like the sun.

Rare, but blinding.

I love his smile. It makes me feel safe.

Why am I not as pretty as he is?

I’m the girl, right? I should be prettier than the one who shall not be named.

“Can I say your name now?”

He places a forefinger in front of his mouth. “Shh.”

“Shh,” I repeat, tears filling my eyes. “Ma doesn’t like it.”

He grips my hand harder and leads me to the back garden. Bushes grow on either side of us like walls.

Dad doesn’t like it when I come here.

“Them monsters are here,” I tell the one who shall not be named.

“Shh,” he motions at the house.

Ma stands near the window, doing her red lipstick.

“Dad doesn’t like it,” I say, shrinking behind him.

The one who shall not be named fastens his pace. I jog along, watching his hand around mine.

It’s familiar.

It’s safe.

It’s… happy.

“I miss you.” My voice trembles. “It’s lonely without you. Ma goes to them monsters sometimes.”

“Shh.” He points ahead.

He’s tall so I lean aside to see past him.

I come to a screeching halt, feet gluing to the grass.

The lake.

The murky, black lake.

“No, no…”

“Shh!”

“No! I won’t go in there. I don’t want to go there!” I shriek, my voice crackling with sobs.

My heartbeat skyrockets and everything in my chest aches. I try to pull away from the one who shall not be named, but his grip tightens.

It’s like he can’t let me go even if he wanted to.

No, please.

The murky lake appears almost black under the gloomy weather.

That lake took everything from me.

Everything.

“Eli, please. It’s scary.”

He stops and his face turns into a blur. “You shouldn’t have said my name.”

His hand slips from mine.

My fingers fist around the air as I try to grab him.

No.

No.

His back is the only thing I see as he walks with purpose towards the lake.

“E-Eli?”

He doesn’t turn around.

Black smoke swallows him until I can barely see him.

I run after him with shaky little feet. I trip and nearly fall.

“Eli, C-Come back... Don’t go, please... I’m s-so sorry… d-don’t… go.”

Something warm touches my toes.

I stop at the shore of the lake.

Black water covers my feet and my limbs start shaking.

Eli walks deep into the lake. Only his head is visible.

“Eli!” I call.

I want to go save him. I want to bring him back, but if I do, them monsters in the water will take me.

Them monsters are taking Eli.

“Eli, c-come back! Come back!”

His head disappears underwater and doesn’t surface.

“ELI!!!”

* * *

I wake up with a start, tears streaming down my cheeks.

Eli.

Eli…

No. No. No.

That’s not true.

Eli didn’t go.

He couldn’t have been gone.

A taste of nausea hits the back of my throat and I run to the bathroom. I fall to my knees against the hard tiles and empty my stomach in the toilet.

I remain there even after I’m finished, catching my breath.

Tears fall down my cheeks and to my hands.

“Eli…” I sob. “Eli is the one who shall not be named.”

Why can’t he be named and why isn’t he in my life anymore?

I clutch my head between my hands and hit it with a fist over and over again.

Why can’t I remember? Why the hell can’t I remember?

My heart nearly bursts open with a crushing wave of grief.

It’s like having my chest ripped open and slashed apart and all I can do is watch.

Just like I watched when Eli went into that lake and I couldn’t follow.

Eli.

Who the hell is Eli and why do I suddenly feel like I’m missing a big chunk of myself?

“Eli…” His name comes in a strangled sob.

The itch beneath my skin digs into my arms and hands like needles. I stagger to my feet and wash my hands over and over again.

I’m not done with it even when my skin becomes red and stingy. I want to use bleach on my hands.

But even that won’t make them clean, will it?

I stare at my dishevelled picture in the mirror. My hair points in all directions and my eyes are bloodshot. The tears leave streaks over my pale cheeks.

This isn’t just any ache.

It’s chronic pain.

Eli was someone important from my past that I erased just like I erased Ma and Dad.

Just like I erased everything.

“What’s wrong with you?” I whisper to my reflection. “Why can’t you be normal?”

You know what?

Enough.

I’ve had enough of putting everyone else’s wellbeing before my own. I’ll confront Uncle and demand he tells me everything he knows.

I’ll demand he takes me back to Birmingham.

For ten years, I thought I could survive without knowing my past.

But there’s no future without roots. I’ll always be stuck in this whirlwind of emotions and frightening nightmares.

And grief.

Crushing grief.

I can barely breathe as I think about Eli. Uncle needs to tell me who the hell Eli is.

After washing my face and freshening up, I put on my uniform. On my way out of my room, I check my phone, but there’s still no text from Aiden.