His eyes flick to the scar on my cheek.

Then I understand. “You think she’d hurt me again.”

A nod.

“But she’s hurting you, Rhen.”

“I have endured it for hundreds of seasons. What is another?”

His voice is so bleak. “Does she torture you every night?” I whisper.

“She does nothing to me. She shows me what I have done.”

“I don’t understand.”

He swallows. “Every night, she comes to me. She shows me my people. Those who have died. Those who are starving. Those in pain.” He presses a hand to his abdomen. “She shows me the creature. She shows me their deaths. Their pain. Their suffering. I cannot endure it.”

I want to kill her. “Rhen—you’re trying to save them—”

“I am failing, Harper. Even tonight, I had nothing to offer but death and pain and fear.” He presses the heel of one hand against his eyes. “I have never wished so badly for a season to end.” His voice breaks and he takes a shuddering breath.

“You’re not killing them,” I say fiercely. “You’re trying to save them.”

“I am killing them, my lady. I’m doing it one by one.”

“You are not,” I snap. “Even tonight, when that guy was trying to trick you out of money for his soldiers, your first thought wasn’t of yourself. You worried that they’d been stealing from their people, too.”

“You cannot paint me in a better light,” he says. “I know what I have done. I see it night after night.”

“You’re doing the best you can,” I say to him. For some reason, my father pops into my head. The bad men he led to our family. He abandoned us—but maybe he thought he was doing the best he could, too.

Rhen drags his hand away from his face. “I do not know how to lead my people when all I see are my failures.”

“You’re leading them,” I say softly. “The Grand Marshal swore to you tonight. You have a castle full of people who have sworn to you. You once told me you were raised to rule a country, and you’re doing it.”

“Please,” he says to me. “Please. I beg of you. You do not understand.”

I beg of you. The words break my heart, because they’re not words he would ever say.

“Okay,” I whisper. “Okay. Just ride.”

We travel the rest of the way to the castle in silence. He’s regained his composure by the time he hands his horse to a boy in the stable, then turns to lead me back into the castle.

He stops in front of my door. The last time he stood here, we’d just returned from Silvermoon. I’d been a breath away from kissing him.

Tonight his eyes are full of resignation. “I bid you good night, my lady.”

Much like in the courtyard in Hutchins Forge, I don’t know what to do, but I do know I need to help him. “Why don’t you come in?”

That startles him. Maybe it’s the tired eyes or the slumped shoulders, but he’s never looked so young. “What?”

“Stay in my room tonight. Lilith isn’t allowed to interfere in your courtship, right?”

A line forms between his brows.

“Let me court you.” I falter, realizing how that sounds. A blush heats my cheeks. “I mean, not really. I mean—I’m just—”

“My lady.” He straightens. “I will not put you at risk.”

“You once said you would give me anything in your power.”

He sighs. “Now you will trap me with my words.”

“I’m not trapping you.” I step closer. “I’m not chasing you. I’m not tricking you.”

He says nothing.

“I’m inviting you,” I say quietly.

He hesitates, then offers me a nod.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

RHEN

Harper’s room is warm from the roaring fire. A platter of hot tea, biscuits, and honey sits on the side table, and this season has gone so differently from the others that I no longer know whether those always appear on this day, or if Freya provided them.

The door closes with a soft click behind me. We’re alone here. Together.

That should be encouraging, but in the face of all Lilith has shown me, it is not. I have failed to break this curse. No matter what I do this season, I have harmed my people. Likely irreparably.

Harper stops in the middle of the room and looks at me. “Please come in. You don’t have to stand in the doorway.”

We’re not in my chambers, but the windows are full of darkness, and after days of facing Lilith at night, I feel tense and twitchy. I’ve seen men die by my father’s order—but until tonight, no one has died by mine. “I ordered a man’s death, Harper.”

“Grey said that mercy and kindness can become a weakness if pushed too far. If that guy was willing to trick you tonight, who knows what his next move might have been.” She pauses. “He killed a guard. Mave swore an oath to you two days ago. The Seneschal killed him. Over silver coins.”

I flinch. She is right, but even if the choice to kill this man was the right one, it does not negate all my other failures.

I think of my family, torn to shreds along the castle halls.

I think of the children the monster ripped to pieces in front of their parents.

I think of the people starving throughout Emberfall, those without access to a city, to walls and protection and work.

“What Lilith is doing to you is wrong,” Harper says. “We all make mistakes. You slept with her without any intention of a relationship. Who cares? You’re not the first man to do it. And she’s not innocent! She sought you out because of who you are.” Her jaw is clenched. “I hope she does come here. I hope she comes to this room. Because I don’t care what I have to do. I’m going to end her.”

I go still, my back against the door, unable to breathe. I’m terrified those words will summon Lilith right this very instant.

But the air does not change. Lilith does not appear.

Harper steps up to me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t invite you in here to start yelling at you. Especially not right now.”

I grimace. “On the contrary. Your passion on my behalf is quite inspiring.”

A blush lights her cheeks and she takes a step back. “Well, your passion on behalf of everyone else is quite inspiring.”

I move to her window and look out at the darkness. Soldiers stand at the entrance to the stables, stationed there by Grey or Jamison, I am sure. In the distance, torches light figures standing sentry on the guard towers at the edge of the forest. These men and women have sworn to defend me—while I cower in the castle.

“Some passion.” I glance at Harper. “I am hiding in your room.”

She joins me by the window. “You agreed to come inside. For a minute there, I wasn’t sure you’d even do that.”

I was not sure, either. My eyes fall on the scar on Harper’s cheek—I was so sure Lilith’s action would break her. Instead, after so many seasons, it seems Lilith broke me.

“Do you want to sleep?” Harper’s voice is so earnest. “You can have the bed.” She pauses. “You look like you haven’t slept since we returned from Silvermoon Harbor.”

“Indeed.” I shake my head. “I cannot sleep. Not yet.”

“I can light more candles. Do you want to play cards?” Her voice is almost teasing—but I can tell the offer is genuine, too. “Shoot arrows out the window? Dance?”

I raise my eyebrows. “You must truly pity me if you offer to dance.”

Her expression loses any hint of humor. “I don’t pity you, Rhen.” She pauses. “Do you pity me?”

“Never. You are the strongest person I know.”

“That’s not true. You know Grey, for goodness’ sake. You know Lilith.”

I shake my head a bit. “It is true.”

That blush finds her cheeks again. “Well. Same. About you.”

For the first time, I want to tell her about the creature. I long to be honest with her so badly that my chest aches.

I do deserve this pain, Harper. You don’t know what I’ve done.

“We can dance,” she says. “If that’s what you want to do.”

If she touches me with any kind of gentleness I will collapse against her.

I turn back to the window and rest my fingers along the ledge. My voice is rough. “There is no music tonight.”

That throws her for a moment, but then her face lights up. “Wait. I have an idea.”

“My lady?” But she’s already flown to the door, and she leans out, speaking quietly.

After a moment, she closes the door again. “Music is coming right up.”

“I beg your—”

“Just wait. You’ll see.” She returns to my side, a little breathless. Her voice softens. “Do you want to lose the armor?”

I hesitate. I’m loath to remove any of it. This evening’s events have left me shaken. Lilith’s visions have left me gutted.

Harper’s fingers close on my bracer, and I pull away.

“Do you trust me?” she says softly.

“Yes.” When I blink, I see my creature eviscerating one of the first girls. I imagine doing the same to Harper and draw a shuddering breath. I force my eyes to open. “I do not trust myself.”