‘That’s because they are repulsive, with their mullet hair-dos and their bushy moustaches.’

‘How did you know that’s what they looked like?’

‘They’re all like that.’

‘Are they really? Right. Well, apart from Garv I’ve never told anyone this ever before, but… ‘I stopped, not sure if I could continue. Then I almost choked as I blurted out, ‘Emily, it was the girls that I wanted to look at. I fancy them.’

‘You don’t fancy them,’ Emily said in despair. ‘You just want to be them! Everyone feels like that. It’s normal.’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t think so. I might be a lesbian. At the very least I’m bi.’

Emily’s exasperation drained away and she assumed an expression of concern. ‘Maggie, I’m worried about you. I mean it. Think for a moment about all you’ve lost in the last while.

It’s no wonder you’re looking for love, or affection or whatever. Especially after the way Troy rejected you.’ ‘Troy didn’t reject me.’

‘Sorry, wrong choice of words. When he didn’t… When he decided not to…’

‘He didn’t reject me, because you can only be rejected if you let yourself be rejected.’ I’d heard something similar to that recently and I’d liked it. Trouble was, I didn’t think I had it quite right. Troy had definitely rejected me.

‘Right, but what I’m saying, Maggie, is that after all you’ve been through it’s no wonder you don’t know what you want. Last week it was Troy –’

‘Now there was a mistake.’

‘– and now you think you want Lara. But you don’t.’

‘That’s where you’re wrong.’

‘I’m not! You’re all confused.’

‘I’m not confused. Listen to me, Emily – Lara smiled at me tonight and something good happened in me and for the first time in ages I felt… ‘I sought the right word. ‘… OK. It felt right. I’m sorry you’re finding this so hard, but I can see why. You’ve always known me as heterosexual and you’ve got slightly homophobic tendencies…’

‘Now just a minute!’

‘But you do! You said you’d hate to lick someone’s mackerel.’

‘Lara is one of my best friends, I love her to death. Just because I don’t want to do what she does in bed doesn’t mean I disapprove. I mean, I’m not that keen on anal sex either, but I don’t care if anyone else does it.’

Emily put her face in her hands. ‘This is all my fault. I told you to let your hair down.’

‘And I’m glad you did. I’ve played it safe for far too long.’

‘Put it back up,’ she implored. ‘Before you do yourself any more damage, put it back up.’

‘No.’

‘Today is Thursday,’ Emily whispered to herself. ‘They’re coming on Tuesday.’ She bit her knuckle and whimpered, ‘She’ll kill me. Mammy Walsh will kill me.’

31

Larry Savage proceeded to extract his pound of flesh – with immediate effect. No sooner had her celebratory hangover kicked in than Emily was summoned to his chalet to ‘bounce around’ some script changes.

‘This morning s not so great,’ I heard her say, then she put her hand over the speaker and mouthed desperately at me, ‘Alka Seltzer, please!’ Then, after a little pause, she said, ‘Yes, sir, I understand sir. Eleven o’clock. I’ll be there.’

Hanging up, she rushed to me. ‘Maggie, how good is your shorthand?’

I handed her a fizzing glass. ‘Non-existent.’

‘Oh. How good are you at writing fast?’

‘Not bad.’

‘Get dressed. We’re going to The Valley. We’ve got us some face time with Mr Savage.’

But first it was my unpleasant duty to call to the Goatee Boys’ darkened house and rouse one of them to wait in for the catering guys to collect their stuff. I was afraid of seeing any of them naked, but especially Curtis.

Luckily, the only one who showed any sign of life was a half-dressed Ethan, who pulled on a singlet and announced that he was considering a career change.

‘But don’t you first need a career,’ I suggested gently, ‘before you can consider changing it?’

Entirely unfazed, he told me his great idea: he was going to start up a new religion.

‘Come on,’ I beckoned him to the door. ‘Hurry.’

‘My mom says she doesn’t care, so long as I pick something and stick to it. She says I’ve got to stop changing courses and I think starting a new religion is a pretty cool career move.’

I wasn’t so sure. Don’t you end up being crucified, that sort of thing? But far be it from me to rain on his parade.

‘And what kind of things would you believe in?’ I asked, opening our front door and ushering him in. ‘Or haven’t you got that far?’

‘Sure I have!’ Then Ethan outlined the cornerstone of his new faith, which was that the disciples have to have lots of sex with Ethan.

‘Oh, Christ,’ Emily muttered, putting on her lipstick in the mirror.

‘“Oh, Ethan” is what you’ll be saying soon,’ Ethan cheerfully corrected her.

‘I don’t think so,’ she said stonily. ‘The catering guys will be here inside an hour, then you can go home. And just to let you know, I have my underwear drawer arranged in a special way. I’ll know if someone’s been through it. Capisce?’

‘Capisce. Hey, Maggie, are you really going to go out with Lara tonight?’

‘Yes.’

‘Woooh! Lesbianism rocks!’

Emily sighed, but said nothing.

Out at Empire, we were given a warm welcome by Michelle, Larry’s assistant.

‘Congratulations,’ she said, hugging first Emily, then me. ‘It’s a great script, we’re all really excited about it.’

The door to Larry’s office was closed, but he could be heard, clear as a bell, shouting at someone, ‘Sue me! So freaking sue me!’

‘Larry’s just on to his mom,’ Michelle smiled. ‘He won’t be long.’

Sure enough, one final valedictory bellow, then the office door was wrenched open and Larry emerged, full of beans.