I wasn't putting myself down here. I had lots of good qualities, I knew that. I wasn't just being Queen of the Low Self-Esteem. But lots of people have good qualities. There wasn't anything particularly unusual about me. Now Adam, on the other hand, must have met millions of women, funny, beautiful, clever, entertaining, rich, waiflike, cute, sexy, interesting women.

Why had he singled me out?

"Because you're nice," he said.

Nice! I ask you.

Who wants to be picked by a beautiful man like Adam just because she's nice?

"And you're very funny. And clever. And interesting," he said.

That's more like it, I thought.

Any chance of sexy or beautiful?

I'd even have settled for attractive.

But nothing doing.

Sexy, beautiful and attractive were not on offer.

160

But what the hell. It was nice talking to him. I was enjoying myself.

I wasn't attracted to him.

Although I probably would have been if circumstances had been different.

He wasn't attracted to me.

We were just two adults who happened to like each other's company.

I was a married woman.

On Monday I would be ringing James.

Adam was spoken for. If not by my sister Helen, then by some other woman, I didn't doubt.

So no big deal.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked.

"Well, I don't know," I told him. "I haven't really got into any routine since I came back from London. I suppose I'll just take care of Kate."

"Well, that's why I was asking you how long it is since you've had Kate. I was wondering if you'd like to come to the gym with me?"

"Me?" I said in horror. "Why?"

"Not because I think you need to," he said anxiously. "But because I think you might like to."

Me, with my saggy, out-of-shape body, go to the gym with this Adonis? Was he joking? But on the other hand, my body would stay saggy and out of shape if I didn't do anything about it. And I used to enjoy going to the gym before I had Kate.

Maybe this was the best suggestion I'd heard in a long time.

"Well..." I said cautiously, "I'm very out of shape."

"You've got to start somewhere," he said quickly.

"And who would watch Kate?"

"Wouldn't your mother do it? It would only be for a couple of hours."

"Maybe," I said doubtfully. This was all moving a bit too fast for me.

Goddammit, I only went out to have a drink with Laura. Now I was signing up for some fitness program with a person I'd only met yesterday.

And yesterday evening, at that.

161

"Look, come tomorrow. I bet you'll enjoy it. What have you got to lose?" he said.

I thought about it.

Nothing, apart from my life if Helen found out.

"Okay, I'll come."

I arranged to meet him the following day in town at three o'clock, though I could hardly believe I was doing it. I finished my tea. He saw me to my car.

He closed my car door for me and stood at the gate--in the rain, I might add--as I drove away.

I was starting to feel guilty before I even got to the end of the road.

Guilt at neglecting Kate.

Guilt at associating with my youngest sister's boyfriend, blameless and all as it was.

Guilt at the idea of wasting time in the gym when I should be talking to a lawyer and sorting out my finances and all that.

As soon as I got home I ran up the stairs to Kate. It was such a relief to see that she was alive and well. I felt so guilty that I was convinced that something terrible had to happen. I held her so tightly I thought I would squeeze the life out of her.

"I missed you, darling," I told her as she struggled for breath. "On Monday I'm going to call Daddy and I'll try and work things out for us. Everything's going to be fine, I promise."

I had had such a nice evening. I simply couldn't understand why I felt so depressed.

162

fourteen

I had planned to call Mr. Hasdell, the lawyer whose name Laura had given me, as soon as he got to his desk at nine o'clock the following morning.

But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I fed Kate.

I played with Kate.

I worried about what to wear to the gym.

I worried about what would happen if Helen found out that I was going to the gym with Adam.

I worried in case I was neglecting Kate.

I worried in case Mum refused to watch Kate on the grounds that it would make her an accomplice to my meeting Adam.

I worried about everything other than the important thing.

I knew that I had to call my bank. I had practically no money. But I was far more concerned about how my butt was going to look in the leotard and leggings that I had found in Rachel's room.

My child was growing up without a father, but instead of getting on the phone and calling a family lawyer and trying to work something out, I stood in front of a mirror holding my stomach in, checking my profile and finally, as though the years had rolled away and I was still fifteen, twisting my head around, trying to see what my butt looked like in the mirror.

Mum was highly suspicious when I asked her would she look after Kate for me in the afternoon.

163

"Again?" she asked.

"Yes, but only for a couple of hours," I muttered.

"Why?" she demanded. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing, Mum. I just wanted to go to the gym and start getting back into shape," I told her. I didn't want to lie to her. But I wasn't too comfort- able telling the truth either.

"Oh, the gym," she said, sounding quite pleased. "Well, that's good. Just mind that you don't, you know, pull any...you know...do yourself any damage. It's not so long since you gave birth, don't forget."

"Thanks, Mum," I said, amused at her delicacy. "But I think my insides are in fine condition. Raring to go, to be quite honest with you."

I shouldn't have said that.

It made her suspicious again.

I know that she had encouraged me to have a fling with Adam, but I felt so guilty about meeting him that I didn't want anyone to know. So off I drove into town, feeling sick with guilt and the fear of being caught and the fear of something happening to Kate. About halfway there, I decided that I wasn't cut out for this life of deceit and intrigue and child neglect and that I would turn around and go home.