It’s silent for about five seconds, the guys pausing, until Benji calls out her name, jumps up, and runs to her. He picks her up and twirls her around. She beats at his back and giggles, the sound a little forced. He pulls Spike off his shoulder and offers to let her hold him. She gives him a pet and says hi to everyone, chatting with the pledges—How are exams? How is your girlfriend? Are you excited for the break?—even giving Parker a big hug. He blushes and offers her pizza.

She’s sunshine and light.

Angel.

Mine, the dark side of me insists.

She brushes her gaze over our group at the end of the table, then over me, not stopping, as if I’m no one, quickly moving on to the next person. Her eyes land somewhere out the kitchen window.

“Is Donovan around?” she asks, and I flinch.

“Ana. Here I am,” he says as he walks in the kitchen. His face is hopeful as he stops in front of her, eating up her face. “You…” He swallows. “…look great. Thanks for coming. My room?”

Her spine straightens, her voice low as she replies. I strain to hear it over the guys. Shit, I can’t.

“Alright,” he murmurs, then lets out an exhalation and turns to us. They stand next to each other, not touching, but his hand searches for hers. She doesn’t take it.

His words come, halting and unsure, as he looks at us. “Brothers, ah, hate to interrupt your dinner, and I realize not everyone is here, but I wanted this to be public…” His face softens as he glances at her. “I’m deeply sorry for what happened at the toga party. Ana didn’t deserve that. My brothers didn’t need to hear it. It was messed up, and…” He inhales a breath and seems to search for words, his face grimacing as he reaches out and takes her hands. “I’m sorry, Ana. For the embarrassment. For the hurt, the gossip, everything. I just wanted the guys to know where I stand—on your side. You are always welcome in this house. No matter what,” he finishes, his eyes glued to her face.

She gives him one of her jerky nods, her throat bobbing.

He says something else, just to her, and I can’t hear it. My chest rises as my adrenaline spikes.

A half-smile crosses her lips as she turns from him and gazes around the room. “Later, guys.” She gives a little wave.

They murmur their goodbyes.

He walks to the door to the kitchen, clearly waiting for her. She hitches up her purse, takes a breath, and they leave the room.

Where are they going?

I’m up before I know what’s going on, shoving my chair until a hand lands on my shoulder. Benji. “River, wait—”

Tension rolls over me. “She’s back. She came to see him,” I hiss under my breath as my fists tighten.

He shakes his head, and I push his hand off and stalk out of the kitchen and into the den. My heart jumps as I hear their voices echoing up from the staircase. They didn’t go to his room…

Good.

I start pacing.

But…

The basement is empty.

They’ll be alone.

“River,” Benji hisses as he joins me then looks over his shoulder to the kitchen as if to make sure no one notices us. “Look, he must have called her. They’re going to talk, probably about the party, and we should stay out of it—”

“Why?” I snap.

He watches me, a concerned expression on his face. “Dude. You aren’t hiding it anymore. You’re teetering on the edge, man, that’s all I’m saying. Let them work out whatever they need to, and focus on you, then circle back and see—”

Right. Of course. Makes perfect sense. Do the right thing.

“No.”

Something has snapped and I can’t pull it back. She’s here. With him.

There are all kinds of love, River. I couldn’t have spent a year with him if I didn’t.

I close my eyes, wishing I could forget those words. You want to know what kills me, what I try my best to not think about? I pushed them together a year ago and she stayed. She stayed, loved him, fucked him. Thoughts race in my head. I mean, I have questions, things I could have stuck around and asked last night but didn’t. Did she always want me like I wanted her? Did she? How could she pretend with him?

I stop pacing.

No, she isn’t like that. She did love him, right, right, and it cuts, it cuts.

I fucked them up.

My hands rake through my hair and I let out a juicy curse.

He grabs my shoulder. “One brother to another—they need to talk, and you know it. They didn’t have a proper chat Friday.”

“Maybe I don’t give a shit anymore.”

His grip tightens. “Wanna know what I admire about you? When anyone is stressed, you calm them. When a brother is out of gas, you put in fuel. You drop your ego and put yourself second. It’s what makes us the best. Guys are begging to be part of Kappa.”

It’s not enough.

Not anymore.

I may not be back.

I might not see her again except for the ski trip.

Her Kiss me, River.

Her breathy gasps.

The sound she makes when she comes…

“Let me go, Benji.”

He drops his hand as I take the stairs, and I’m halfway there when I groan out my frustration and stop.

What if I see something I don’t want to?

What if she never really wanted me at all?

She wanted revenge. Payback.

Maybe the rooftop was enough to tide her over, to throw in his face and say, Hey, look what I did with your frat brother—

Stop.

Fucking.

Stop.

She isn’t like that. Kian was a joke to her. She didn’t even want to do it; I saw that dread on her face. Regardless of why she dreaded it, payback mentality isn’t who she is. She didn’t care that I wasn’t going to be around on the ski trip to help. She cares about herself too much as a person to give revenge that much power. I know it, I know it. On the rooftop, I told her I didn’t want to be her revenge, but I knew as soon as the words came out it was wrong. She’s full of love, inside and out, and she doesn’t use people.

I grab the handrail, my chest heaving as I plop down on one of the steps.

If I barge in on them, what kind of trouble would it start?

What would I say when I don’t even know how she feels about me?

Why is she here?

Do I want a knock-down, drag-out fight like I had with Dex?

Cops coming?

A big upheaval in my own house?

A divided frat?

I have responsibilities, a band of brothers who respect me. I’m their leader and they look up to me. That pressure eats at me, reminding me that they haven’t even been broken up for a week, and here I am, jonesing to cause trouble.

Can’t I wait?

Give her space?

So many thoughts bounce in my head and I can’t focus on any single one enough to calm myself. I twist my ring over and over.

I’m vaguely aware of Benji sitting next to me on the stairs.

He hands Spike over, and I hold him in my lap. Ugliest lizard ever, but he settles in and clings to my shirt. He glances at me, not quite an evil eye, but it’s debatable. “Does he bite?”

“Only if he doesn’t like you, and he loves everyone. Don’t kiss him though.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“He might carry salmonella or strange bacteria, I don’t know. He likes Guns N’ Roses. Shuts his eyes and goes right to sleep.”