Walking around the Fire Mine and the ruins of the temple that once stood here when I was a child, I know there is nothing beautiful about a battlefield. Erik and my Shadows are quiet as well, though I’m grateful for their presence. The last thing I want is to be alone right now. My strength is returning, slowly but surely, and I relish every moment I get to spend out of bed.

Like that Kalovaxian ballad, the grass is more red than green now, but the ballad didn’t mention that most of it would be covered by bodies, or parts of them, and that it would be impossible to tell which parts belonged to which side. The ballad didn’t mention the smell of decaying flesh that would hang in the air, making it putrid and nauseating. The ballad didn’t mention that enemy or friend, they would all be mourned by real people.

“A pyre,” Erik says from beside me, breaking the silence. “It’s the typical burial for Kalovaxian warriors.”

“For Astreans, too,” I say, surprised that two cultures as different as ours could have anything in common. “And the others?”

He hesitates before shaking his head. “Gorakians are buried, but the rest—”

From my other side, Artemisia speaks. “Yoxians are buried,” she says. “Brakkans as well. Vecturian custom says that their warriors should be put to sea in flaming boats.”

“We can’t do that,” I say, my stomach clenching. “We need all the boats we have.”

Artemisia nods in agreement. “I don’t know the customs of the others, but there are enough living that we can figure it out.”

“There are so many,” Heron says, looking around. Apart from the small section where our camp is set up, bodies stretch around us as far as I can see. Hundreds, or maybe thousands. I don’t know how we’ll be able to sort out which body belonged to which country.

I swallow. “They’ll come back, and when they do…” I trail off, unable to put it into words.

“We’ll be ready,” Erik says. “This was a victory for us and that means more than just that we survived it. We stood against the Kalovaxians. We are no longer a poor investment. We can ask for help from other countries, and this time we might actually get enough.”

“Might,” I repeat.

“The gods blessed you, Theo,” Heron says, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “And in doing so, they blessed all of us. They’re on our side.”

I tear my gaze away from him. Even Heron doesn’t know how long I’ve had this gift, how long I’ve kept it secret from him, how weak it is now that it’s been dragged to the surface. Like most, he believes it was a reward for my sacrifice. It’s a pretty story, but it’s not who I am. I glance between Heron and Artemisia. “How does it feel for you? Being blessed?”

They exchange a look, but it’s Art who speaks first. “It feels like a cold drink of water in suffocating heat,” she says.

“It feels…full,” Heron adds. “Like I’m at peace with everything around me.”

My stomach sours. “It doesn’t feel like that for me,” I tell them, my voice quiet. “I don’t feel relieved or at peace. Ever since it happened, I just feel…empty.”

My thoughts turn to Cress with her charcoal eyes and flaming touch. “Our hearts are sisters,” she said to me in my nightmare. “Shall we see if they match?”

Maybe they do, underneath everything. Maybe we are both abominations, but I don’t want that to be the case. I would rather be powerless than be this, and that is the difference between us.

“I was born with this in my blood,” I say, my voice shaking. “I had it forced on me. But I never chose it, not like both of you did.” I look at Blaise. “You didn’t choose it either,” I say. “It forced its way into you, like a different sort of poison.”

Blaise holds my gaze, and though he doesn’t agree, he doesn’t protest either.

“The power owns me, but I don’t own it,” I say, and my voice doesn’t shake anymore. Suddenly, it is sure, because I am sure.

We walk a bit more until we come to the entrance of the Fire Mine, which has been evacuated and roped off—as if anyone would choose to go in there on their own.

Of course, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

When I pause in front of the entrance, the others stop as well. They say nothing until I reach out to move the rope.

Blaise’s hand comes down on my arm, pulling it back. His skin is less hot since he surrendered his gems—temporarily again—but it’s still warmer than mine.

“No,” he says, the word a whisper.

“It’s the only way,” I tell him. “You know it as well as I do. You feel it, that disconnect between who you are and the power you possess. Because we don’t control it. Because it controls us.”

“Walking into that mine isn’t going to heal you,” he says. “After all that poison in your system, it could push you over the edge. It could kill you.”

“It could,” I agree, looking at Heron over his shoulder. “But it won’t. It’s the only way to choose this power. It’s the only way to exert some control over it, to understand it. The only way I can be the Queen they need.”

“I’m sorry I left, Theo,” Blaise says, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry I broke my promise, and I swear to you, I’ll never leave your side again. Just don’t do this. Don’t leave me.”

For an instant, I waver. “You went to battle because it’s who you are,” I tell him. “And it was stupid, but you knew it was the right thing for you to do. This is the right thing for me to do.”

Blaise doesn’t answer, but I see the tears welling up in his eyes. I place my hands on his shoulders and roll up onto the tips of my toes to brush my lips against his. For an instant, he’s frozen in shock before I feel him melt against me, his arms tight around my waist like he can anchor me to him and make me stay. But he can’t and I force myself to pull away and look at my other Shadows.

“I don’t know how long I will be in there. If the Kalovaxians return, you’ll leave me and run. All right?”

Heron starts to shake his head but Artemisia nods. “I’ll do what must be done,” she says, every word curt.

I look at Erik. “And when I’m out, we’re going to find a way to rescue S?ren. And I’m going to finish what I started with Cress.”

Erik looks more serious than I’ve ever seen him. “Good luck, Theo,” he says softly.

With a thundering heart, I turn away from them and step into the mine.

SANITY SLIPS INTO AN EPHEMERAL thing, coming and going until I’m not sure which thoughts are sane and which aren’t. I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing here. I hear Cress’s laughter, feel her breath like smoke on the back of my neck, but she is always just out of reach.

It’s my mother who finally finds me, cowering against a cave wall with bloodied hands, my head throbbing with thirst. She looks just as she did a decade ago, down to the violent slash across her throat. I don’t run to her like I always imagined I would. She doesn’t seem to expect me to.

I swallow. My throat is raw, like I’ve been screaming for hours.

“Is this the After?” I ask her.

My mother shakes her head. “Not yet, my love,” she says, holding a hand out to me. “Come, there is much to do.”

I should be relieved to not be dead, but I don’t feel much of anything. I stare at her hand but I don’t take it. “You could have stopped the Kalovaxians,” I say to her.

She doesn’t flinch from the accusation or try to deny it.

“I died the Queen of Peace, and peace died with me,” she says after a moment. “But you are the Queen of Flame and Fury, Theodosia, and you will set their world on fire.”

I take her hand and she leads me deeper into the mine.