I’ve lost count of how many times she’s lobbed out the D word tonight.

“Okay.” I toss my napkin on the table and rise, shoving my chair out in the process. “I think this has gone on long enough.” I have to get my friend out of here before she grabs a butter knife and stabs my date with it. She’s seething, nearly hissing like a feral cat.

She either hates JB or wants to bone him, and I can’t figure out which one it is. Sexual tension rises off both of them like steam from a hot bath, and I have no interest in seeing how this little scene is going to play out.

We’ll be booted from the restaurant first. Once Hannah latches onto an idea, she rolls with it, and right now, she’s homing in on the idea of a verbal altercation with JB.

It’s time to exit stage right.

Snatching my purse, I grab her by the back of the shirt, tugging her up. “We’re going.”

“But I was just getting started.”

“I know. That’s why we’re leaving.” I snag her purse, too, shooting Abe an apologetic look. “Sorry guys.”

“Don’t say sorry guys—don’t apologize to that asshole.” Hannah’s chin tilts up. “She won’t be seeing you again. We don’t like you like that.”

Oh my god.

I hold in my laugh—barely—and catch Abe’s eyes. They’re boring into me, intense. Dark. Troubled, too, his expression almost unreadable.

Why is he looking at me like that?

Is he mad we’re ditching mid-date? I don’t actually consider this ditching, though; it’s more like an emergency evacuation.

Does he seriously expect me to sit here and let my best friend destroy his roommate with a sharp-witted tongue-lashing? Not going to happen.

“You don’t like me like that?” JB, on the other hand, couldn’t look more affronted. He’s clearly shocked. “I don’t like you either, babe.”

Babe?

I snort, mouth open to retort.

Hannah beats me to it. “Skylar is too nice to say this to your face, so I’m going to say it for her: you’re nothing like your conversations on the app. Before, you were charming and smart and funny. In person you’re just…such…an…idiot.”

Okay. That was a bit harsh. I never would have said that…

To his face.

But she isn’t finished. “Maybe if you acted more like your app self, you’d stand a chance with her.”

Can I get an amen?

“Bye.” Hannah’s hands are planted on her hips.

JB laughs. “See ya.”

“We’re going.”

“Bye.”

I literally have to grab her arm so we actually do some leaving instead of embarrassing ourselves further.

“You don’t get to be the last one to say bye. We’re the ones saying b—”

My roommate gets a shove toward the door. “Oh my god, shut up! Stop trying to get the last word in.”

“But he—”

“I’m going to kill you. I really am.” This couldn’t have gone any more terribly unless an actual murder had taken place. Perhaps my hands wrapping around her neck to strangle her.

“Why are you yelling at me?” Hannah has the lady balls to ask as I shove her through the front door, the little hostess fascinated by the spectacle of us.

“I’m not yelling! This isn’t yelling!” I yell once we’re in the parking lot. “Get in the car! Get. In. The. Car!”

Hannah rawrs like a cat.

“I hate when you do that,” I grumble, glaring at her over the roof of my piece-of-shit car, secretly hoping she bangs her forehead on the doorframe (as she so often does) as punishment for being obnoxious.

It doesn’t happen.

She glides in unscathed, perfect hair still perfect. Lipstick completely intact. Skin dewy.

“Well,” she says, buckling herself in. “I think that could have gone better.”

I twist my torso, facing her, mouth falling open. “Are you for real right now? That was a train wreck.”

She yawns. “I did you a favor.”

“How?”

“He’s definitely never going to want to see you again.”

Neither is Abe.

JB: Hey

Me: Uh. Hey?

JB: Don’t be so surprised.

Me: You’re seriously messaging me right now? I would have thought you’d have unmatched me for sure.

JB: Why?

Me: Are you insane? That date was a disaster.

JB: LOL

Me: My roommate’s face is still blue from the outrage.

JB: What did she think of Abe?

Me: She didn’t. She was too busy hating on you. Sorry, this isn’t going to work. I assumed you realized that when I was dragging her out of the restaurant.

Me: Or are you one of those guys who likes psychopaths? Do you love being in dramatic relationships? Are you a glutton for punishment?

JB: No, no, and no.

Me: Then WHY ARE YOU MESSAGNING ME

JB: Wait—did you just call yourself a psychopath?

Me: No. But I could be.

JB: You’re too nice to be nuts.

Me: The last guy who called me nuts disappeared. They haven’t heard from him since.

JB: See? We can get along…

Me: …but not in person, apparently. We’re destined to be pen pals, sorry dude.

JB: Ouch—you called me dude. That’s friend zone shit right there.

Me: Even that’s a stretch.

JB: So, while we’re on the subject, what did YOU think of Abe?

Me: Your roommate? I wasn’t thinking of him at all. Should I have been?

JB: No. Just wondering what you thought.

Me: Why. Did he say something?

Me: About me, specifically?

JB: Yeah, we talked about it.

Me: Oh?

Me: Be honest—he thinks we’re a terrible match.

JB: It did come up, LOL

Me: Awesome…

Me: What else did he say?

JB: For someone who’s not interested in my roommate, you sure seem interested in what he had to say about you.

Me: So you admit he said some things about me…

JB: A few things.

Me: Like?

JB: The usual.

Me: I swear to God, if you’re going to continue dangling bait and then not telling me anything, I’m hanging up.

JB: **eye roll**

Me: You know what I mean…

JB: How about we do this: you give me a detail about yourself, and I’ll tell you one thing Abe said about you.

Me: Oddly, that sounds like extortion.

JB: #Semantics. Take it or leave it.

Me: OR we do this: for every detail you tell me about Abe, you also give me one thing he said about me after the double date from hell.

JB: You’re calling it the double date from hell, too??!!!

Me: Haha, very funny…

JB: Why are you suddenly curious about Abe?

Me: You’re the one who brought him up.

JB: **shrugs** Suit yourself…

Me: Just riddle me this: it’s obvious I’m not your type, so why do you care to hear details? I’m not the kind of girl you’re going to date, and I wouldn’t go out with you again if I was being paid…

Me: …okay MAYBE if I was being paid. But it would have to be a lot of money.

JB: Since when is it a bad thing to want to know information about someone?