I want what they have.

It’s too damn bad I act like such an asshole half of the time.

Guys hate that.

They want sweet. Bidable. Sexy.

I am none of those things.

Fiddling with my phone, I tap open the LoveU app. Smile when I see a new match; grin when I open his profile and read:

Rex Gunderson. 24.

Yo yo yo ladies, I’m an alum, back in town for the next few semesters pitching in at the athletic building and wouldn’t mind your company. A few things about me: fun-cle to a baby girl (she’s not actually my neice but who cares). Hilarious. Big boy job. Has my own place. Loves fancy shit but prefer to do them in my sweats or j’s. You: are legal and over the age of 18.

That’s it? That’s the entire thing? All he’s looking for is someone over the age of eighteen? Have some standards, dude, even if you’re just looking for a hook-up.

Still.

He is kind of attractive, in a skinny guy kind of way.

I bite down on my bottom lip and swipe, knowing I’ll probably regret it later. Shoot him a message because there is nothing worse than waiting for a guy to make the first move.

Me: What kind of fancy shit are you talking about here…? Inquiring minds want to know.

RexG: You know, the usual. Dinner, bars. Play a round of golf or two.

Me: In your sweat pants?

RexG: No, I wear real pants for that.

Me: Khakis?

RexG: No one wears Khakis anymore.

Me: Sure they do, I saw some yesterday.

RexG: Who was wearing them?

Me: My Lit professor.

RexG: I rest my case.

Me: So, I’m just going to come out and ask or it’s going to drive me insane.

RexG: Go for it.

Me: What are you doing on this app, it says you’re 24.

RexG: So? I just turned 24. That’s not ancient.

Me: Aren’t you a little old to be fishing in the school kiddie pond?

RexG: I barely just graduated. Why you gotta be like that?

Me: I had to get it off my chest.

RexG: I was checking out your chest earlier. Very impressive.

Me: Uh, gross. Stop, don’t even go there.

RexG: Uh, why?

Me: You can’t just say things like that. It’s douchey.

RexG: Funny you should mention that; I never said I was a gentleman.

Me: You look like one. Kind of?

Me: Actually you look like a huge dork.

RexG: How about you just kick me in the nuts and get it over with.

RexG: And FOR THE RECORD I’m not photogenic and am WAY BETTER LOOKING IN PERSON.

Me: Says who?

RexG: MY FUCKING MOTHER, Jesus lady.

Me: Shit, I’m sorry. I have no filter—I wasn’t trying to be a bitch.

RexG: Whatever, it’s fine.

Me: I suppose you’re going to unmatch me now?

RexG: Why would I do that?

Me: Because I’m being an asshole—WHY WOULDN’T YOU UNMATCH WITH ME?

RexG: Why are you yelling?

Me: Have some standards. All you have in your profile is that you’re looking for someone over the age of 18. WTH?

RexG: Age ain’t nothin’ but a numba.

Me: So…what are you actually doing here if you’re not a student? Are you a TA?

RexG: No, I’m helping out with the athletics. Mostly with the wrestling team, I used to be their manager.

Me: My roommate’s boyfriend is a wrestler. Maybe you know him?

RexG: What’s his name?

Me: Abe Davis.

RexG: He was a freshman I think the year I left the team; don’t know him that well. He decent?

Me: He’s awesome.

RexG: Cool.

Me: So you’re on campus for how long?

RexG: Rest of this semester, summer, first term of fall.

Me: And you’re looking to hook-up with someone?

RexG: Sure. If that’s what you want.

Me: It’s not.

RexG: Okay.

Me: That’s it? Okay? You’re not going to try and change my mind?

RexG: Do you want me to?

Me: Uh, NO.

RexG: LOL then I won’t.

Me: It’s really shitty that you’re just here looking to get laid. Some of us are looking for the real deal.

RexG: I never said all I wanted was an easy lay. You did.

Me: Well, COME ON. Let’s get real here. You won’t even be here the entire year.

RexG: Says you’re a junior. 22. You won’t be there long either.

Me: But I’m here NOW.

RexG: So am I.

Me: Is this an athlete thing? Are you all just douchebags who sleep around?

RexG: I don’t know, is that how Abe Davis acts?

Me: No.

RexG: Wanna throw some sweats on tomorrow and meet me for coffee?

Me: How early?

RexG: Whatever works for you.

Me: How tired do you want me to look?

RexG: How will you look at 9?

Me: Horrible.

RexG: LOL

Me: Why the hell are we even talking about this, I DON’T WANT TO MEET YOU.

RexG: That’s fine.

Me: Stop doing that.

RexG: What am I doing, I’m agreeing with you.

Me: I REFUSE to fall for your jedi-mind tricks.

RexG: Listen, I don’t know what I did or what I said, but you’re kind of scary.

Me: WHY DOES EVERY GUY KEEP SAYING THAT?

RexG: Because you yell a lot. Guys don’t like that.

RexG: And you keep putting words in my mouth, and making assumptions.

Me: Thanks, I got it.

RexG: And that part in your profile about “no shave November” and always being hangry? Also scary and confusing.

Me: I am who I am.

RexG: Hairy, hungry, and scary?

Me: Yes?

RexG: I don’t know what to tell you, Bianca.

Me: Um, about that...Bianca isn’t my name.

RexG: Okayyyyy… What is it then?

Me: Hannah

RexG: That’s pretty, why did you use a different name? Didn’t want any creepers messaging you?

Me: I just like the name. It sounds sexy.

RexG: Little liar, aren’t you.

Me: NO! Just about that one thing…The rest is all me. I’m just—I can’t help it if I’m awkward, and I say stupid shit, and I make inappropriate comments at inappropriate times.

RexG: You know—I could help you with that.

Me: Help me with what?

RexG: Help you date. While I’m here. I can teach you some shit, like how to talk to dudes and shit.

Me: This isn’t a trick to try and sleep with me?

RexG: Nope. Twenty-six chicks have swiped on me in the time we’ve been talking. I’ll be fine.

RexG: Do you want my help or not?

RexG: Hello? You still there?

Me: I’m thinking…

RexG: Don’t think too long, I might change my mind.

Me: Fine.

RexG: Great.

Me: Okay.

RexG: LOL here’s my number. Message me when you get the courage.

It takes me two days.