“That’s perverted,” Ben says.

“I mean it. Everyone should have a father like you.”

“You don’t want to go back in time?”

Shelby laughs. “To when we were miserable?”

“Jimmy,” Ben says sadly. He gives her a sidelong look. “It was never going to be me, right?”

“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t be here without you.” Shelby hugs him so tightly that Ben laughs and backs off.

“I’m glad it all happened,” he says. “Even the bad parts.”

“There were bad parts?” Shelby says, and they laugh together. She hugs him one last time so she can listen to his heartbeat. She doesn’t want to see him walk away, so she turns and goes inside. Upstairs, James is at the table, eating spicy tofu.

“You hate Chinese food,” Shelby says.

“I might as well get used to it. How’s Ben?”

“He’ll be fine.” Shelby notices the fortune cookies on the table.

“How about you?” James asks.

Shelby strips off the cellophane. The crinkly sound reminds her of a wind chime. She cracks the cookie in half. She has never read a single fortune. She thought she knew what her future would be like, but as it turns out life is far more mysterious than she would have ever imagined.

What is behind you is gone, what is in front of you awaits.

“Shelby,” James says. “It’s a fortune cookie. You hate them.”

“Not this one,” Shelby says. “This is the one I was waiting for.”

Chapter 15

People in town don’t know each other the way they used to when Shelby was a girl. Everyone knew who she was back then, the girl who had an accident on Route 110. Now she’s just another stranger in town. No one says Shelby Richmond, you’re the one who almost killed your best friend, who spent years in your parents’ basement doing penance. You’re the girl who disappeared.

It’s August, the month when the orange lilies along the road are fading. Shelby recently bought her first car, a used Toyota 4Runner. She used part of the money her father gave her, her inheritance. This morning she headed out to Huntington on the Long Island Expressway. James went out the evening before so he could take his mother to dinner and present her with the cash he got when he sold his car. Shelby was nervous driving again, and her hands shook, but here she is. She wonders if she didn’t drive for all those years simply because she didn’t want to return to the scene of her crime. Certainly after she lost her mother, there’d been little reason to come back. Yet it’s the place she dreams about. In her dreams it’s always snowing, the road is always slick with ice.

Now that she’s here Shelby feels a tight knot of terror in the back of her throat, as if she were one of those women in horror movies who just keep unlocking the door even though they’re pretty damn certain there’s a monster on the other side. Shelby has decided to see Helene before they leave for California. It’s been more than ten years. People say if you face your worst fear the rest is easy, but those are people who are afraid of rattlesnakes or enclosed spaces, not of themselves and the horrible things they’ve done.

All of Shelby’s belongings have been packed up and sent on to the apartment they found on the university’s housing list. There’s a yard and a bedroom that’s bigger than her entire New York apartment. Shelby Richmond, who struggled to finish high school and spent three months in a psychiatric hospital, who assumed she would work in a pet store for the rest of her life, if she managed not to get fired, is going to veterinary school. She and James will spend the next few weeks traveling cross-country with the dogs, camping out in state parks along the way.

Last night Shelby stayed at Maravelle’s. Shelby and Maravelle became friends by accident, and by accident they’ve become family. Leaving Maravelle was hard, even though she promised to visit in the spring. Leaving Jasmine was equally difficult, especially when she started to cry. But it was Dorian who got to her, the way he hugged her. And it was Teddy, who wasn’t there, who sent her the message she needed most on a postcard.

Be happy, he’d written. You deserve it.

Shelby is driving along Route 110. This is where it happened, on the left side of the road. The asphalt used to dip into a hollow, but there’s a guardrail now. A bunch of plastic flowers has been tied to the metal with string. Shelby used to be so empty inside she could hold her hand over the flame of a burner on the stove and not feel a thing. She tried her best to destroy herself, but she’s still here. Her heart is beating, she can feel it sometimes, when she lies beside James, when she thinks about her life, the force inside her that wouldn’t let go.

In Shelby’s old neighborhood the trees are so big they meet in the middle of the street to form a bower. The new people are in her house and they’ve repainted; it’s yellow, a color Shelby’s mom never would have chosen. Sue Richmond preferred the basics: gray with a white trim. Shrubs have been planted, and the driveway has been re-tarred. When Shelby climbed out her window to wander through town, she always avoided Helene’s street, except for the cold night when she and Ben sat under Helene’s window, and then again the day her mother insisted she drive her here. The first time she came to Helene’s house she was in second grade. They were best friends from the moment they met. Shelby noticed Helene’s house was smaller than hers, even though Helene had two older brothers. Helene’s father had made the basement into a bedroom for the boys, and Helene had an upstairs bedroom all to herself. I’m the favorite, she told Shelby, who marveled at her confidence, even back then. Shelby was an only child and she didn’t feel like the favorite, not until her mother was dying. I never want to stop watching over you, Shelby’s mother had told her, and then she wondered why it had taken her so long to know she was loved.

Shelby parks across the street from the Boyds’. People still make pilgrimages to see Helene, but she certainly didn’t cure Shelby’s mother, although Sue said she felt healed after her visit. She said she could feel Helene’s spirit. Helene’s brothers have families of their own; it’s just her mom and dad who take care of her along with a series of volunteer caregivers who are still dedicated to Helene. Shelby has done the research on Helene’s injuries in the medical library at school. She knows that Helene’s vertebrae were broken, that her windpipe was crushed, and part of her skull was smashed. There was no oxygen to her brain for at least seven minutes. Helene will never come back. Shelby knows it’s true in theory, but she needs to make sure that a miracle is out of the question.