If there was anything I remembered from Gabby’s funeral, it was that sometimes it was easier to be mad than to be hurt.

“Who am I supposed to eat lunch with?” her voice whispered. She wrapped her hands over her mouth as a pained cry of sadness left her lips. She continued to sob, her body shuddering. “I’m sorry, Ashlyn. I didn’t mean what I said.”

My arms wrapped around her and I shook my head back and forth. “We don’t do apologies here,” I said, quoting her from the first time I sat at their lunch table. “Because we know harm is never the intent.”

“Theo’s not here,” she cried into my shoulder. “It’s the worst day of my life and he didn’t show up. He said it was against his belief system. Bullcrap if you ask me.” She wiped her eyes and pulled away from me. “The sad thing is, I don’t believe in this, ya know? In coming to a church to mourn in this way. I know Theo isn’t really a Buddhist…but I’m starting to understand the study. I actually love it. And this”—she gestured back to the church—“this doesn’t make sense to me.”

“I can help.” A deep voice was heard, and we turned to see Randy walking toward us. He’d shown up to make sure Daniel didn’t have to be alone after losing someone else in his life. He approached us slowly, not wanting to interrupt. “I know how it is, how painfully unnecessary death can seem. It just feels like you want to get revenge on the world for taking away the things you love.” His head fell and he rubbed his temple. “I’ve studied Buddhism for many years. And if you are interested, we can say a prayer together.”

Hailey’s eyes welled up with tears. Her shoulders dropped. She was on the verge of breaking down again. “I don’t know any prayers. I didn’t study that far into it.”

Randy rushed over to Hailey and kept her from falling, placing his hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He wiped away her fallen tears. “I’ll walk us through it.”

I stepped to the side, watching the two try to find comfort.

He took her hands and his dark-cave eyes looked into her blues. “This will be from The Dedication Chapter from Shantideva’s Bodhicharyavatara.”

Hailey snickered softly, sniffling. “I have no clue what you just said.”

“It’s okay. Just close your eyes. I’ll walk you through it.”

And he did. I watched two complete strangers find comfort with one another in the worst moment known. They didn’t shutdown from the unknown. They welcomed it together. Hailey’s harsh breaths began to relax as she held on to Randy’s hands.

My favorite blessing that Randy brought up was, “May all beings have immeasurable life spans. May they always live happily, and may even the word ‘death’ disappear.”

Sounded good to me.

Everyone headed out of the church to go over to the cemetery. Daniel approached me, not looking to be a lover in front of everyone but just a concerned individual. Yet in my heart I knew he was a concerned lover, and that’s all that mattered.

“How are you?” he whispered. I shrugged. Daniel’s lips turned down, probably seeing my distressed look. “I wish I could hold you and take away all of your hurt.”

I smiled at him and a few tears fell. He moved to wipe them away. “Don’t.” I wiped my own eyes. “Henry,” I muttered.

Daniel frowned and nodded. “I’ll see you later.” He headed for his car.

Turning in the direction to Henry’s truck, I paused when I saw Jace around the side of the church building. He paused, staring at me before he turned and started walking in the opposite direction. I chased after him, calling his name.

“Listen, I get it,” he huffed, turning to face me, “Call the cops. Get me locked up. But I swear to God I didn’t do this! I didn’t give that kid those drugs” He paced back and forth, his forehead spitting out sweat in the cold, cold air. “I didn’t kill that kid!” he screamed in a whisper. I didn’t say anything. I stood staring at him, his blue eyes filled with emotion. His hands ran over his low-cut hair and he bent his knees, lowering himself to the ground. “Oh my God. Did I kill that kid?”

“You have the same eyes,” I said. He looked up, confused. “As Daniel. You both have the same eyes.”

He wiped his hands under his nose and sniffled. “We get them from our dad.” Pulling himself to a standing position, he paused. “Why aren’t you calling the cops?”

“You’re not a child, Jace. If you think you did something wrong, then it should be your responsibility to turn yourself in.” I slightly smirked. “Plus, I’m having a really crappy day, so…”

He laughed and nodded. “I’m sorry. About all of this.” His blue eyes filled with tears. “I’m so f**king sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.” My mind danced with something I wasn’t sure I should tell him, but I knew he needed to hear it. “There weren’t any drugs”—I shifted my weight from one leg to the other—“in his system. Ryan drove the car into the tree fully aware of what he was doing.”

“It wasn’t my fault?” he breathed out, resting his hands on top of his hair.

I shook my head back and forth.

A strained smile plastered on his face and he started to turn around. I saw one single tear roll down his cheek as he jammed his hands in his jeans pockets. I knew he didn’t mean for me to hear his next comment. He was speaking to himself, but I did overhear.

“I’ll get clean. I really will this time…” As lightly as the wind blew, his last words left his lips and floated away toward the clouds. “I just wanted back into the band. Maybe he’ll let me back in.”

If there were a heaven, I hoped Jace’s words flew toward its path.

And if there were a God, I hoped he was listening.

Chapter 33

Goodbyes hurt most when they’re one-sided.

~ Romeo’s Quest

It had been a long day.

At the cemetery, I stood next to Ryan’s mom, who was breaking down. Henry held her left hand, and I took her right. I knew she didn’t know me other than my being the guy who’d taught her son, but she squeezed my hand back.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

My eyes moved back to Ashlyn, who had her arms wrapped around Hailey. She gave me a weak smile, and I frowned.

What if I was ruining her life by loving her? What if, somehow, I was putting her in danger? Jace was dangerous, and the people he dealt were even more of a risk.

I knew it was a stupid thought, but death was becoming too common in my life. I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. Especially if something happened to Ashlyn.

Did Jace give Ryan those drugs? Would Ryan have been alive if I’d turned down the offer of letting them stay the night? He would’ve been alive right now if I weren’t dating my student.

Guilt was treacherous.

And it was filling my head with all the reasons why I shouldn’t love Ashlyn.

I hadn’t seen Ashlyn in four days. It was the longest we’d ever gone without seeing one another. I’d been sitting in my Jeep parked outside the library for the past fifteen minutes. The sky was drunk on blackness, and snow was falling at a steady pace. Under the street lights, I saw her walking toward me, a large paper bag in her arms.

She’d told Henry she would be spending the night at a friend’s house, promising to check in with him every hour. Which meant I had her for at least fifteen hours. The way the lights lit her up and the snow danced against her face made me think why someday everything would work out.

Because I needed it to work out with Ashlyn Jennings. After she graduated this coming June, I would love her out loud—the way she deserved to be loved. We would deal with college when college came, but not a day before.

Yeah, guilt was harsh, but hope was just as powerful a weapon.

She opened the passenger’s door and climbed in, setting the bag in her lap.

“What do ya got there?” I asked.

Her head shook back and forth. “Kiss first, questions later.”

I leaned in, held my mouth against hers, and smirked as her tongue escaped and she ran it against my bottom lip. “What’s in the bag?” I repeated.

“My treasure chest with the letters from Gabby. And Jack, Jose, and Morgan,” she replied. “We’re getting drunk tonight and opening letters.”

Laughing at her response, I rolled my eyes. “No, really. What’s in the bag?” She arched an eyebrow and tilted it toward me. A shitload of alcohol and letters. “I don’t think tonight is the right night for this, sweets.” Her eyelids were so heavy from lack of sleep. “Plus, you don’t drink.”

She smiled. “No, I don’t.” Her hand slipped into the bag and she pulled out a letter. “But number eight requires it.”

“Ashlyn…” I warned, not wanting her to drown herself in alcohol. She hadn’t really dealt with Ryan’s death yet, and I feared that one day she would just snap.

“Daniel. Fun. Remember that? Let’s just have fun tonight, okay?”

I breathed out and nodded. “Okay.” I narrowed my eyes and leaned in her direction. “Come here.”

She inched her body closer to me. My eyes fell to her lips. I placed my hand on her lower back, pulling her closer. She exhaled as I ran my finger slowly around her top lip and slowly around her bottom lip. She parted her mouth and slowly licked my finger before she sucked on it gently. My hand cupped around the back of her neck and I pulled my mouth to hers.

We stared into one another’s eyes, my heart pounding against my chest. “I love you.”

“I love you,” she breathed against me, sending the words into my entire being. Her back arched against my touch, and I tugged on her bottom lip. She sighed, repeating herself. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

When we pulled up to the lake house, I saw that the living room lights were on. Then I saw two women walking back and forth in their bras. Shit. I glanced over to Ashlyn, who of course had noticed the bodies, too. Her face turned to me with a smirk.

“There are na**d women in your house.”

I sighed when I saw a shirtless Randy come into view through the window. My fingers rubbed against my forehead. “There are indeed na**d women in my house.”

She had a smart-ass smile glued to her face. “Is this a…normal thing that happens at Mr. Daniels’s house?”

I formed a fist and bit the side of my hand. My eyes closed tight. “No! No…it’s just… Well, in the past, Randy used to try to make me feel better by…”

“By…?”

“By having na**d music parties.”

Silence. I didn’t want to open my eyes to see her reaction. A loud giggle was heard. I peeked my eyes opened to find Ashlyn cracking up in laughter. “Naked music parties? Oh my gosh! You’re a freak!” She was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her cheek.

“What?! No! Randy’s the freak! I was just a guy…in a room…with na**d girls.” I put the car in reverse and turned to back away from the house. Ashlyn’s hand rested on my arm.

“Don’t you dare!” she hissed. “We are going to a na**d music party!”

“We are not!” I argued. She set the paper bag on the ground in front of her. Her fingers slowly started unbuttoning her coat. “Ashlyn…” I muttered, watching her movements.

“Put the car in park,” she instructed.

“No,” I said, but I did the opposite. The car went into park.

Of course the car went into park. Because when a beautiful girl started undressing in your vehicle, you put the damn car in park. I shut up as I watched her remove her coat. Her hands wrapped under the hem of her sweater and she started to pull it over her head.