His voice was a whisper, barely making a sound. “Everything.”

After spending hours sitting and chatting with Henry about Gabby, I found myself sitting in the bathtub on my phone talking to Daniel. It was around three a.m. and he had no plans of hanging up on me.

“Sorry to call so late,” I sighed.

“No worries. I was just lying here, hugging my pillow, thinking of you.”

I laughed at his comment. “I’m going to see my mom tomorrow…”

“Yeah? I think that’s great.”

“I’m nervous… What if it doesn’t go over well? What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if I get there and I’m still mad at her? Because…I still feel mad.”

I heard his breathing through the receiver, and that sound alone gave me a hair of comfort. “I’ve had a lot of terrible things happen in my life. And what I’ve come to realize is if you don’t say what you need to say when you have a chance…you’ll regret it. Even if you’re mad, say it. Scream it into the world while you still have a chance to. Because once life passes you by, it’s gone. And so are the words left unspoken.”

My eyes blinked tight and I felt my heart pounding against my ribcage. Say what I needed to say. That idea scared me so much. “I’m sleepy…”

“Go to bed, Ash. You have big day tomorrow.”

I nodded to the phone as if he could see me. “Will you stay on the line with me? Until I fall asleep?”

“Of course.”

I stood up from the tub and moved back toward my bedroom. “Merry Christmas, Daniel.”

“Merry Christmas, angel.”

I lay with my phone to my ear, and he played his guitar through the line until my eyes fell heavy and dreams washed over me.

I climbed onto the train with Gabby’s treasure chest in my lap. I figured opening a few letters with Mom might be good for her. For us. I texted Daniel, thanking him for last night. He only texted back with one word: Always.

Sitting in a window seat on the train back to Chicago brought back the memories of my first train trip to Wisconsin. Where Daniel and I had first crossed paths. So much had changed since then, yet a few things still remained. Those blue eyes, for one.

I placed the treasure box on the seat next to me. My legs tucked against my chest and I sighed. I missed them both so much, Ryan and Gabby. A few tears started falling from my eyes as my head fell to the glass window and the train started moving. Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths. I’m okay. I told myself that over and over, yet the tears kept coming.

There should be a universal law that said young people shouldn’t be allowed to die. Because they’d never really had a chance to live.

My eyes reopened when I heard footsteps near me and I looked up.

Beautiful.

Breathtaking.

Brilliant.

Blue eyes.

More tears fell as Daniel lifted my treasure box and sat down in the seat beside me. “What was his greatest fact?” he asked, pulling me close and kissing away the tears.

I closed my eyes as more emotion kept falling down my cheeks, yet he never stopped his kisses, catching each tear against his lips. “His heart. The way he loved so deep and felt so much,” I whispered about Ryan. “The way he loved his sister and his mom. The way he missed his dad…” My eyes reappeared and I placed my hands on the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. “What was your mom’s favorite Christmas fact?”

This time, he closed his eyes. He didn’t reply right away. When his blues opened, they were glassed over with water. “I don’t talk about her…”

I nodded. “I know.”

We rested our foreheads against one another, breathing in each other’s existence. “Her double problem showed up every Christmas. I always got two of the same sweaters, just in case I ruined one. She would bake double the amount of cookies. She would make us watch It’s a Wonderful Life twice. She…” he chuckled, brushing his finger across his forehead. “She added double the vodka to the holiday punch. But that was for Dad mainly.”

“What was his craziest fact?” I asked, lightly kissing his lips.

“Hmm, he was a dreamer who made things happen. He bought the boat before he had the lake house. But he was sure the house would come. He dreamed it to life, I think.” My fingers knotted his hair in my hands. He kissed the bridge of my nose. “You’re never going to have to do these types of things alone, Ashlyn. Never.”

Chapter 36

I want to know who you were before me.

I want to see the world that you see.

~ Romeo’s Quest

We made a quick stop before heading to Mom’s house. When Daniel drove the rental car up to the curb of the suburban house, I smiled. One of the cars in the driveway had bumper stickers covering it with some of the best bands ever created.

Bentley’s car.

I reached into the treasure chest and pulled out Gabby’s promise ring and the letter addressed to Bentley. Feeling the ring against my fingers made me sigh. They would’ve been so happy together.

“I’ll wait here,” Daniel said, noticing the look in my eyes.

“Please come with me?” I asked, climbing out of the car.

His door opened and he climbed out, too, closing the door quietly. Each footstep I took toward the household felt painful. Each time my winter boots lifted, I felt a sharp knife stabbing me inside my gut.

Holding on to the ring and letter with one hand and Daniel’s hand with the other, I climbed the steps up to the front door. My head turned to the porch swing, which was covered in a bit of snow. I blinked and the memories started to resurface.

“I think I love him,” Gabby whispered against my ear as we swung back and forth on Bentley’s porch on a humid summer night. He headed inside to grab us some sodas before we went to the fair.

I snickered at my sister. “You love him.”

She gave me a sly smile and nodded. “I love him.”

Shaking my head back and forth, I snapped myself out of the memory. My finger rose and I held the doorbell down for a second. Right at the sound of the doorbell, though, I wanted to retreat. I wanted to go back the way I’d come and drive back down to Chicago.

Then Daniel tightened his hold on my hand.

I relaxed.

The door opened, and when I saw Bentley through the screen door, I gasped. He looked surprised and a bit sad at first. I wished I didn’t look so much like her. Just seeing me probably broke his heart.

Bentley stepped onto the porch and his eyes widened. “Ashlyn,” he whispered.

My feet started shifting around. My nerves were growing strong.

Daniel let go of my hand, and when I looked at him, he gave me a small grin.

“Hi, Bentley.”

Bentley laughed, his eyes watering over. “‘Hi, Bentley?’ That’s all I get? Come here.” He wrapped me into a hug. I breathed him in, hugging him tighter and tighter as time went by. “You look so good,” he whispered against me.

“You too, Bent.” We pulled away from one another and both wiped at our eyes, laughing. “Oh, Merry Christmas!” I said, scratching at the back of my neck.

He smiled wide. “So who do we have here?”

I turned to Daniel, who was quietly waiting to the side. I blushed. “This is Daniel, my—” I paused, not knowing what we were at the moment.

“Boyfriend,” Daniel smiled, holding his hand out toward Bentley. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Bentley gave me a coy look, “Oh, it’s nice to meet you, too.” He pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek. “He’s a looker, isn’t he?” I giggled and shoved Bentley in the arm. “Well, don’t just stand out here. Come on inside.”

Hesitation took over me. For some reason, I didn’t feel as if I should step inside without Gabby by my side. “We can’t stay. I just…” My hands rose with the letter and ring. “I wanted to give you this.” The ring landed in his hands and I heard a deep-rooted gasp run through him. “She left it in the treasure box you gave me. And she asked me to give you the letter.”

He held the piece of paper tight in his hand. “This is from Gabrielle?”

I nodded.

As I watched him slowly open the letter, a weird sense of peace washed over me. It felt like a book closing, the final chapter to the love story of Bentley and Gabrielle receiving closure.

He cried as he read her words. Of course he cried. Her letters always made people cry. “She was my favorite.” His voice cracked as he kept reading the words over and over again.

“I know.”

“Sometimes I wonder how I’m supposed to begin again, ya know? How am I supposed to…” He coughed and ran his hand over his water-soaked face. “How am I supposed to ever be happy again?”

“You start slow.” Daniel stepped forward, placing his hand on Bentley’s shoulder. “You allow yourself to feel whatever the hell it is you’re feeling. And when you start to feel happy, don’t feel guilty about it.”

“Start slow,” Bentley repeated to himself. His head fell to the porch. “Wow. He’s a looker and he’s smart. So much better than Billy.”

I laughed at Bentley’s comment and pulled him into a goodbye hug. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

He pulled back and kissed my forehead. “You too, Ash-Ash.” Turning to Daniel, Bentley shook his hand. “Daniel… Take care of my kid sister, okay?”

Daniel held on to Bentley’s hand for second longer and smiled. He then stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I will.”

He would.

Chapter 37

Home—what does it mean?

It’s your eyes staring back at me.

Just Breathe.

~ Romeo’s Quest

“Mom?” I said as I turned the doorknob, entering the apartment. It was exactly the same. The living room still had the large, ugly floral print frame traveling around the ivory-colored walls. The television was still on crappy reality television. The couch was still the same brown mundane color.

Yet it all felt different.

Daniel walked in behind me, closing the door. “I don’t think she’s here,” I whispered, but I didn’t know why. It felt as if I were trespassing, and if I were to get caught, the world would crash around me.

I stared down the hallway toward what used to be Gabby’s and my bedroom. Every hair on my body stood up. Goose bumps covered my skin. I hadn’t known I would feel so scared yet so angry just by standing in the apartment, but I did. I wanted to scream, but my throat was tight. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come.

Walking to my bedroom, I found that the door was closed. My fingers wrapped around the doorknob and I pushed it opened.

Just like the rest of the apartment, everything was the same but somehow different. I hated that.

My side of the bed still had a few of the books I’d left behind sitting on my dresser. The closet was filled with both my clothes and Gabby’s.

I moved to my bed, which was perfectly made, and sat down on the edge of it. Patting the spot beside me, I invited Daniel to sit with me.

“It smells like you,” he noticed. “I know that sounds weird, but it does.”

My eyes moved to my pillow and I picked it up, breathing it in. It had recently been sprayed with my favorite perfume.

“I’m going to tell her how much trouble she caused,” I stated, staring up at Gabby’s side of the room. Her Beatles posters were still hanging up. Leaned up against her bed frame was her acoustic guitar. Pictures of her and Bentley were still taped all over the wall. Photos of her and me… “She abandoned me when I needed her the most.”

I looked to Daniel, who was giving me pained eyes, yet he didn’t speak.

“She—she told me to go away!” I stood up, feeling my blood start to boil. Being back here was stirring up my emotions; being back here was pissing me off. “I could have helped her! I could have taken care of her!” I screamed, pacing back and forth.