Am I being stupid?

Am I one of those girls who hang on forever, loving a guy who can’t really commit?

“I’m going to see him. I need answers,” I tell the bird as I walk to my dresser and grab a pair of white lace underwear then head to the bathroom and take a shower. After putting on yoga pants and a tank top, I snatch a Wildcats jacket out of my closet and shove my arms inside.

Once I get to his dorm, I’m less sure about seeing him.

He’s been so distant. I know he’s worried. I am too.

I knock, but no one answers. Figures. He’s probably asleep, and Dillon is out celebrating.

The door is unlocked and I ease it open, blinking to acclimate my eyes in the dim light. Low music throbs softly from a speaker as I step into the den. Dillon is laid out on the floor, a girl on either side of him. They’re partially clothed, and I avert my eyes and head down the hall to Blaze’s bedroom The door is open, just a little, the light on, telling me he’s up. He hobbles past the opening, talking to someone, and I pause, listening.

There’s a girl’s voice, but it’s too low to make anything out.

Apprehension, snakelike, crawls over me, starting at my scalp, tingling as it inches over my face, my chest. My feet are moving closer, the air in my lungs scant as I use my fingers to ease the door open and take a step inside.

He hasn’t seen me yet, his focus across the room, but Dani has.

A sly smile curves over her features as she zips up a skirt and wiggles until it’s smoothed down.

He freezes at the smile on her face then turns and sees me.

“Charisma! Jesus! This isn’t what it looks like, I swear!” He hobbles over the two steps it takes to get to me, limping on the ankle. “I woke up and she was in my bed. I told her to get the hell out.”

“I see.” I look away from him to her, and she’s still wearing a smile as she picks up her bra and puts it on, followed by a low-cut cropped sweater. She bends over, grabs a pair of ankle boots, and slips them on her feet. Straightening up, she considers me briefly and weaves on her feet—trashed, I assume, yet she’s able to give me a withering, assessing look, taking in my wet hair before drifting down to the rest of me. “He’s got a big cock, little Chi-O. Perfect in my hands, and so hard. Ask him about that. Good luck taming him.” She flutters her lashes and tosses a strand of hair over her shoulders. She sashays past me to the door, and then she’s gone, every willowy, beautiful inch of her.

“Charm, for fuck’s sake, don’t believe a goddamn word she says. I thought it was you—”

“Stop.” I raise my hand and he clams up. Inside, I’m falling apart, but I make my face inscrutable, schooling myself, part of me wanting to chase after Dani and pluck her eyeballs out.

But I won’t.

She’s not worth it.

He gives up on waiting for me, shaking his head and moving closer. “Charm, don’t let your head go to weird places…” He inhales a breath. “Please, believe me!”

He watches me, his fist to his mouth, as I tilt my head up. His bare, muscular chest heaves under my scrutiny. My gaze traces the lines of his lips, and I think about the way he kisses me, as if he can’t get enough, as if I’m the very center of his world.

Yet…

He didn’t come after me last fall. In fact, he went so far as to stick Dani to his side to keep me away.

He needed distance then.

And he does now too, still keeping his heart hidden.

“Your face isn’t right. Charm, stop, just stop thinking that shit! I’m telling you the truth—I woke up and she was there and for half a second, I thought she was you. She’s not the kind of girl I want! I never fucked her last fall and I haven’t tonight—”

“I believe you. I do,” I say, surprised by the calm in my voice. “I know how girls like her operate. I can see her sneaking in here and crawling into bed with you. You aren’t a liar.”

He bows his head over me, hands reaching out and cupping my face. “Thank God. Thank God. I thought you were going to freak out.”

Oh, I am freaking out.

I pull away from him, my forehead furrowing, the adrenaline finally reaching a point where my head pounds with it.

I lick my lips, an empty feeling inside me getting bigger, growing until it’s a looming awful monster, until it’s all I have, a black hole in my chest, pushing him out and bringing those insecurities from my past back in, curling around me.

“You’re upset. What are you thinking?” His words are soft.

What am I thinking?

I think about that aching darkness you get when you lose something you love.

I know there are things you can’t control. I can’t control him. I can’t control what city he ends up in after the draft. I can’t control women who lust and fawn over him. Those are battles I can’t fight because they only tear me down.

Who wants to live like that?

At the end of the day, all we really have is trust and faith in the people we choose to love, and I don’t have that. I don’t—no matter what I’ve been telling myself these past few weeks. My faith was thin to begin with, and now…it just brings everything back into focus, sharp with edges that hurt.

I feel wetness on my cheeks, and I’m startled by it, quickly wiping the tears away.

He makes a strangled noise and comes toward me, but I take a step back until I’m hanging on to the doorknob, my hand gripping it.

“Don’t touch me right now, okay?”

He closes his eyes. “Charm…baby. Don’t leave me. You promised you wouldn’t—”

“Blaze, please, stop talking.”

He huffs out a big breath, his lips thinning.

I’m not sure how long I stand there, just thinking, but neither of us move. I put a hand to my chest, willing my heart to be okay, to slow down, but it doesn’t. It hurts, actually twinges, and I stop an awkward laugh. So it’s true—your heart really does break.

I take in a deep breath. “Dani…you didn’t sleep with her, and I want to be clear: I believe you. She came in here and you didn’t know.”

He nods. “I had no clue.”

“But someday, somewhere, there’ll be another girl—maybe on the road, maybe in whatever city you end up in. You’ll have a girl hanging on you, and she’ll be perfect, and you’ll forget about me, Blaze. Otherwise, why haven’t you told me—” I stop.

I am not begging him to tell me he loves me. Hell no.

He leans against the wall to keep his balance. Red colors his cheeks. “You can’t punish me for some future girl I don’t even want!” He blows out a breath, his voice lowering. “Charm, come on. I’m not your pop.”

I shake my head. “You keep everything inside you locked up so tight, Blaze. I thought I was okay with this thing, as you call it, but I can’t do it anymore.”

He just stares at me.

He doesn’t speak.

He could.

He could.

But he chooses not to.

He swallows and looks away.

Just like earlier today.

I sigh. “Just leave me alone, okay? Don’t talk to me. Don’t…do anything.”

And I leave, marching out his door and past the people on the floor. I shut the front door quietly behind me, and it’s not until I reach my car and crawl inside that the tears really come. I bang my fists on my steering wheel and weep.

I can’t be the girl who’s always waiting for the guy to figure out what she means to him, all the while knowing he’s out there surrounded by other girls.

I just can’t.

I’d rather hurt like this until he’s out of my mind and out of my heart.

31

“Next,” calls out the Combine official who’s working at the height station. He tells us all to remove our shoes, socks, and anything that might enhance our height. I remove everything, even the boot. I set it all on a bench and limp back, testing it gingerly. I’m seven days out from my injury, a far cry from the fourteen days the doctor told me I needed to wait before doing any running.

“Keep moving!” yells a trainer, and I throw him a wave and make my way across the Indianapolis Colts’ stadium floor with several other players, most long shots like me. The number eighty-two is pinned to my chest, the background a bright yellow tag that says, INJURED.

I’m better than all these guys and I know it. I heave out a breath when it’s my turn to be measured. My hands tap at my leg. I’m frazzled, and it doesn’t help that my ankle feels off without the boot on it. I’ve been the best patient I could be, following all the instructions to the letter.

My eyes quickly survey the stands, looking for Charisma. She isn’t here, of course, and my chest tightens to the point that I clutch it.

She left me—even though she knew I wasn’t with Dani. Anger and grief mingle together and brush at me, a familiar emotion I’ve been struggling with since she walked out.

How can she let us go so easily?

Don’t think about her. Focus on today.

“Do you need someone to help you walk up to the machine?” It’s one of the trainers. He watched me remove the boot earlier.

“I can still walk,” I tell him, my words clipped.