“He lost his parents when he was ten. They were drug addicts. He grew up with family who never paid him any attention. No one ever told him they loved him—” I stop and duck my head with my elbows on the table. I don’t want to go there and think about him, not now. It’s too fresh. It was hard enough to go into our psych class, knowing he was there when I took my new seat in the back. I’d gone to Dr. Cartwright beforehand and told him he had to move me, and after taking in my face, he did so on the spot, no questions. Maybe he knew. I’m sure he’s watched us all semester and knew there was a relationship there.

As soon as class was over, I left from the upper exit, leaving Blaze on the lower level. It wasn’t hard. Plus, he was wearing the boot, and he couldn’t exactly chase after me. I ignored all the texts he sent me and deleted every voice mail he left. I spent three nights at the library, in a far corner away from anyone, not coming home until late. I figured he’d show up at my house, and he did once he was cleared to drive, according to Penelope.

“Oh. Well, why didn’t he come with you?”

I reach out and take a slice of homemade coffee cake she’s set out for me.

She sets her cup on a saucer. “Fine. You don’t want to talk about him. Good, good. You’ve come to your senses. I’m planning a dinner tonight. Paulie and his wife are coming with their kids. He’s dying to see you. It’ll be all of us together. Joey P has confirmed too. Took the liberty of setting it up, so don’t be mad. Such a good boy. Runs his dad’s construction company since he passed—”

I stand and walk away, moving through the small den, taking in the tasteful yet worn furnishings in our small house. It’s a warm home, filled with pictures of me, Mattie, Paulie, his wife, and their kids. It’s a good place, but I can’t with Ma right now.

I step out onto the screened-in porch to see the sun rising up. Sitting on the flowered patio couch, I tug my legs under me and sip my coffee.

Ma follows me out. “Dear, don’t be upset about Joey—”

I can’t get away from her. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to this time. “I know Pop cheated on you. Why did you stay with him?”

The words are out and hang between us.

She inhales a breath, shuffles forward, and plops down in a matching chair across from me.

There’s a long silence, and when I look up, she’s staring at the floor. Her face is pale.

“You have no right to ask me personal questions about my marriage.”

“But you get to tell me every move to make? You get to arrange a dinner with some guy I’ve never even had the slightest attraction—”

“You’re my daughter,” she says quietly. “I only want you to be happy, and you’re clearly not. Haven’t we given you everything you’ve ever wanted, Charm?”

“I want to know why you stayed with him,” I say. Regardless of her meddling, we’ve needed this conversation—or at least I do.

She gets a faraway look on her face and sighs. “Your dad and I, we love each other. He made some mistakes early on, but we go on. He knows it was wrong, and we had some rocky times that I tried to hide from you, but we love each other. Love is give and take, Charm. I forgave him, and he hasn’t done that in a long time.”

Interesting. “How do you know?”

She runs her finger over the rim of her glass. “I just do. You think I never thought about leaving him when I found out? I did, but in the end, he begged me to stay. He loves me, loves what we’ve built. He’s my whole world, and he treats me like I’m the best thing he’s ever had. And I am! Look at this wonderful family we made for you.” Her tone is low but exasperated, and I pause.

We do have a wonderful family. I can’t deny that.

“Is this why things didn’t work out with you and that hillbilly? Did he cheat on you?”

“Ma, stop calling him that, and no, he didn’t…yet.” I set my coffee cup on the end table and look at her.

Her eyes widen, and realization dawns in her gaze. “Charm…you think…you think just because your dad…” Her voice trails off.

“He’s a lot like Pop—handsome, charismatic, everybody wants him. I don’t understand why he’d want someone like me forever.”

Emotions flit over her face: regret, remorse, and then fear. She stands up and comes over to sit next to me. “Don’t do that. Don’t be afraid to love. Please. You’ll never be happy if you don’t give people a chance. Me and your dad aren’t perfect, I know, but that is us, just us, not you. Please don’t…” Her voice breaks, and for the first time since I drove away for freshman year at Waylon, I see tears in my mom’s eyes. They spill over, and I suck in a breath.

“You deserve happiness, deserve it so much, and I know I get a little out of hand and push you, but I never ever want you to look at me and Pop and think all relationships are bad. Use what you know about us—the good times, the times we laugh—use it and listen to that voice inside you, the one that knows you’re a smart girl with so much to offer, more than me at seventeen and pregnant. Don’t let my mistakes ruin your future, Charm, please.” More tears slide down her face and my insides crumble. She’s strong, the backbone of our family, and I’m making her cry.

“Ma,” I whisper. “You didn’t make a mistake…you got Paulie and me and Mattie…” But my voice cracks and I can’t finish.

“I’m not strong like you, Charm. I’m not. I never went to college. I got married and had a baby before I was eighteen, and I don’t regret any of it, not for a second, even the bad times with your dad. We were so young, don’t you see? He was only nineteen with a wife and a baby and a business. We grew up together while we were married and that’s hard and sometimes people make mistakes. But don’t you doubt for a minute that we don’t love each other. But you…you’ve got the whole world in the palm of your hand. You’re going to have everything, and you’re going to love someone someday, and he’ll be the right one because you’ve got fire in you I don’t. He’ll see it, he will, I swear. You got the best of us, baby girl.” Her arms engulf me and she squeezes me tight, her shoulders moving as she tries not to cry and fails.

She feels good in my arms, holding me with such care, and I think it’s how good moms do it. I don’t even realize I’m crying too, and we weep together, women who love deep and hard and strong. We never give up, we don’t.

But I did.

“I’m sorry, Ma. I don’t know what’s really between you and Pop. I haven’t walked in your shoes, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I couldn’t have asked for a better home to grow up in. You and Pop did a good job. You’ve given me so much more than some kids get.”

“Just promise me you’ll live your life with an open heart, okay?” she says. “Don’t lose faith in love, please. Your journey will be different from mine.”

I close my eyes and nod. “I want to. I want to trust, and I was close, but he…he never said—” I stop, thinking, finally seeing the truth.

He doesn’t have to tell me he loves me. Because my soul knows he does. It’s in his eyes. Always has been.

“What’s all the blubbering about out here?”

We unfurl our bodies and look up. Mattie stands at the back door, one foot in, one out. Tall and skinny in pj pants and a headful of dark ruffled hair, he’s still got a sleepy look on his face.

He scratches his unshaven jaw. “Ah, I get it—you two got your period, didn’t you? Damn, I guess this means I’m going to the market for cupcakes and tampons.”

I laugh and wipe my face. “Morning. In case I didn’t tell you last night, I’ve missed you. How are you enjoying living at home at twenty-five?” I grin. I bet he’s in hell.

“Miss you too, sis. Your accent is fucked by the way. I can’t even tell where you’re from anymore.”

“No cussing, Mattie. God’s listening,” Ma admonishes, but there’s no heat there.

He grimaces. “Fine. Scoot over on that couch and let me sit down. Enjoy my good looks and charming personality. You two look like you need it.”

We both move over, and Ma pats the seat between us. “Sit down. I want to hear about this girl you’ve been texting with.”

He groans. “Ma, don’t read my texts. You might see some shit you don’t want to.”

She waves him off. “Pfft. Is she one of those snobby girls from downtown? What’s her family name?”

Mattie and I look at each other and burst out laughing.

*

Later that night, the house is full of people talking and laughing, my older brother and his wife and kids, along with Joey P. I felt too bad to ask Ma to call him and cancel at the last minute, and he sits across from me, a handsome man with short sandy hair and smiling eyes. Mattie keeps kneeing me under the table and grinning every time Joey asks me a question. I return the favor and stomp on his feet with my heels. He winces, and then we start all over again.

We’re in our dining room, and Ma has pulled out all the stops for me: a roast with potatoes and carrots, gravy, and sourdough rolls—all my favorites.

Mattie stands up. “Anybody else want more bread?”

“Me,” Paulie says.

Mattie comes back into the dining room.

“Where’s the bread?” I ask.

He has this bemused look on his face as he looks around the room. “Uh, never made it to the kitchen.” He clears his throat and gives me a long look. “There’s a guy at the door. Name’s Blaze. Wants to see Charisma.”

OMG.

“You didn’t invite him in? What’s wrong with you? I raised you better,” Ma huffs. She throws her napkin down and starts to stand—

“No, I’ll get it.” I stand up and walk down the hall to the foyer.