Everything she says is the right thing, but…

“What happens next? Did they say?”

“Hmmm. I’m going to forget about the ugly C word. We’ll figure out next steps after Christmas. These things take time.”

Time? Time?

What’s wrong with those doctors?

She needs to be surrounded by a team of people. Now.

I grapple with the tight feeling in my chest. “Shouldn’t we be working on a plan?”

“I need to enjoy my holidays,” she says softly. “I’m not giving up. I’m not. Not when I have so much to live for. You and Rae and Callie… I can’t die. Just can’t.”

Emotion slams into me and I can’t get air. My throat feels like it’s going to close up.

She never says die. Never.

A group of Kappa pledges call my name and wave from about fifty feet away. They look as if they’re going to come over, and I hold my hand up and shake my head.

“How do you feel?” I ask gruffly.

“Good.”

I sigh at the lie in her words. “Hmmm, really?”

“I. Am. Fine. Some nerve damage I hadn’t expected has set in. Neuropathy. I keep dropping shit. My hairbrush, a bowl of blueberries, a can of green beans on my big toe. That wasn’t pretty. Can’t wear button-up shirts anymore because of the tingles in my fingers. There’s therapy to help with that, so it’s fine. One more hill to conquer. My liver is acting up from the chemo, but hey, it’s still there.”

She talks to Callie for a moment—Hey lovely, your flower is gorgeous—then comes back to me. Her voice has a strange brightness to it. “I’m going to Callie’s Christmas show at the preschool tonight. She’s going to be an elf, can you believe it? You should see the costume: pointed green shoes, red stockings, and the most adorable little dress. Rae has whipped up some amazing chicken soup for me, and there’s a new episode of Schitt’s Creek waiting for me later. And I got to hear your voice. Those are my three, well four, things today. I love you, son, to the moon and back. When I close my eyes at night, I see your face and I swear, it makes everything okay. I’m so proud of the man you are. I know your father would be too. You keep up the good work. I should go.”

“Mom, not yet.”

The pledges call my name again and I turn my back to them. They don’t get it; no one knows, no one, how much it hurts to imagine an existence without my mom, how deep that fear is inside me.

She inhales a sharp breath. “Oh, River. Don’t. It’s going to be okay.” She pauses and I hear her rustling around, the sound of Callie’s voice closer. “I dreamed about your father last night. Six years and I can still conjure his face in my head, down to the birthmark shaped like Tennessee on his shoulder and the amber glints in his eyes.”

My hand clenches the phone. “Was the dream…was it like mine?”

A long breath comes from her. “I long for yours, River, to have him visit me, to have him hold my hand and tell me it’s going to be okay. This one… It was our first wedding anniversary and he took me to that terrible Italian place in Manhattan…”

“Romano’s?”

“Yeah. You remember.” She laughs. “Anyway, the piped-in music was horrendous, our table was stuck next to the kitchen, the pasta was cold, the wine was too sweet, but we didn’t care. He whispered in my ear how much he loved me, told me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me, and it wasn’t nearly long enough, it wasn’t…” She sucks in a breath.

“Mom?”

A cough comes from her. “I have some advice for you, about your Anastasia. And life, I guess.”

Yeah, she knows about her.

“What?”

“If you never say the things you should, you might never. People can go away.”

“I know.”

“If you never get your degree, you might never. And that’s okay. It is. Maybe I’ve pushed you too much for the education. I believe in you and know what you’re capable of. I wanted you to show everyone how very smart you are, but my concentration is shit, just muddled lately, and maybe I put too much on you.”

“Mom…”

“I suppose what I’m trying to say is something has to give. Your semester ends Friday. Look out for yourself. Take what’s yours. Just put your mighty hands on it and take it. Maybe it’s your Anastasia. Maybe it’s school. Maybe it’s football. You decide what your dreams are.”

I exhale.

She pushes out a laugh as Callie says hi to me through the phone. I talk to her for a few minutes, then she gives it back to Mom. Her voice is stronger. “Ah, yeah, Callie and I, we’re going to color, then get her ready for the play. We’ll talk more tomorrow?”

“Send me a picture,” I say.

“Always. Bye. I love you.”

She clicks off and sends an image through.

It’s a selfie of her and Callie, their heads pressed together as they sit at the kitchen table. In the den, I see the Christmas tree with the gifts under it, the silver garland they put up on the staircase. Life keeps going, the world keeps spinning, Christmas still comes, even when she’s sick.

My heart clenches as I look at her. She has a huge smile on her face, but her eyes… I see a woman barely hanging on.

I drop my backpack and send her one of me smiling. It hurts, it hurts to smile, but I do it.

I’ve walked for five minutes, my head churning, before I glance up and notice people. The pledges have wandered off, but Harper, Mellany, and Audrey stand near the steps of the big fountain in the center of the quad, a hangout spot. They have their phones out, laughing, as I stalk over.

I’m in their space before they notice.

“River!” Audrey squeals and latches onto me.

“Don’t touch me.” I peel her off and look at Mellany. “Did you take down that post like I asked?” It wasn’t really asking. I went to the Delta house Sunday night before Anastasia came over, got in Mellany’s face, and told her to take it down. I actually went to their house on Saturday morning after I dropped Anastasia off, but she’d left town for the rest of the weekend. Otherwise, it would have been taken down earlier.

Mellany shrugs, a guarded look on her face. “I did what you said.”

“Good. I’d hate to blacklist you from my frat, but I will if I see anything about Anastasia or Donovan posted, feel me?”

Harper laughs nervously. “Of course. It was the heat of the moment, River. It’s over, done, and gone.”

Yeah, but not before they made sure everyone had a chance to save it or screenshot it or whatever these drama queens do.

I flip around but then turn back. “One more thing, it would be super great if you three could not take the elevator in Wyler anymore. Stairs are good for cardio. In fact, now that I think about it, if you see Anastasia coming, just turn around and walk the other way. And be polite about it. Harper, stop flashing your bracelet in front of her. Nobody gives a shit. Oh, and in case you missed it over the PA system, he tried to give her one and it was bigger than yours.”

They gape at me. Yeah.

On Monday, when they got on the elevator with us, I plastered myself next to Anastasia, a line of defense against them.