I’m on her side.

“What’s up with you?” Audrey asks.

My nerves are stretched thin is what’s up. “I take care of my people. She’s one of them.”

“We get it, River. She was a little sister, and you’re trying to smooth things over for the frat,” Harper says, her eyes hard. “But she never fit in with the Kappas—”

“He’s done with you, isn’t he?” I say curtly. “He ran to you, but it didn’t mean jack. He used you to cut her off.” I’m not sure if it’s true, but it’s what I suspect.

Her lips tighten as she tugs her sweater around her shoulders. “Stay out of it.”

Ha. Too fucking late for that.

If she only knew the dark strings I pulled at the party…

My finger twists my ring, pushing that guilt away.

And Donovan?

He found me at the house on Monday afternoon, right before I met Anastasia in the library for the first time—which I didn’t tell him about.

I said horrible things to her, River. I hate it. So much. Did I make a mistake, did I, what if I did? How can I fix this—

I kick down those thoughts.

“Yo! River!” comes Benji’s voice as I pivot in the opposite direction of the Deltas. Donovan is with him and they jog over to me. Tension rolls over me and I clench my fists.

Jesus! Not now.

Donovan looks like crap, face drawn, his eyes flitting between me and the Deltas as they walk past us. Harper acts as if she might join us, even taking a step toward us, but he frowns, and she doesn’t.

Called it.

After they’ve gone, he licks his lips and looks at me. “I meant to ask…did you see Anastasia in class yesterday? How was she?”

My jaw tightens.

Yeah. I sat next to her. I smiled at her. Then, I walked her to her next class.

“The usual.” Lie.

“She didn’t seem…upset?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t pay attention.” Second lie. I barely noticed anything but her.

He rubs his forehead. “I’ve tried to call. She won’t pick up.”

“Hmmm.” I look away. I’m going to see her tonight, and you don’t even know.

Benji slaps me on the back, clearly trying to change the topic. “You headed home, to the house, or to work out?”

A long breath comes from me. “I’m taking a shower then working out.”

Benji laughs. “Most people would reverse that order.”

“Most people aren’t me.” I start walking.

“True that. You’re one of a kind,” Donovan says as he matches his steps with mine. He blows out a breath and sticks his hands in his pockets. “Hey, um, I’ve been kind of all over the place for the past few days. Just trying to figure it all out…”

“Mhmm.”

He dips his head and stares at the ground as we walk. “I’m sorry I got up in your face backstage. You were right. I was trashed and didn’t know what I was doing. I’m glad you came back there and stopped me from getting on stage. You’re the best, man. Really. You always jump in when things go sideways.”

Remorse gnaws at me. I am not the best. He has no clue the things I’ve done.

“I wish none of it had happened, wish I hadn’t announced our drama for everyone to hear…” His voice trails off, a frown furrowing his forehead.

My teeth grit.

“Hey, you’ll see her in class tomorrow. Could you, ah, maybe test the waters, see where she is?”

I sigh. “No, man. I need to stay out of it.”

Donovan grimaces. “But you kind of are in it. You took her home after the party so you must have a feel for her thoughts.” There’s a hopeful look on his face, and my jaw pops. “Just maybe talk to her? Tell her I…” Donovan swallows, not finishing.

“You saw her at the bar Sunday. Why didn’t you talk to her then?” I say tightly.

“I wasn’t ready. It felt too fresh. Wasn’t sure she’d let me.”

“You asked for your pin back. And Harper was with you.”

“I asked to get a reaction, but it didn’t work. She ignored me. And Harper tagged along. I’m not with her,” he adds vehemently. “You, though, you talked to Ana.”

“I visited with Carl,” I snap. “And then I went home. I didn’t stick around. Don’t drag me into this.”

He lets out a heavy breath. “Right. Sorry. It’s just…you’re easy to talk to, and she might open up to you. I’m just trying to figure out if I can get a loan for Harvard or maybe, um, I don’t know, apply to Brooklyn Law at the last minute.”

What?

I mean I knew his revelation was coming, but fuck me, it feels fast.

“You don’t sound sure, Donovan.”

He chews on his lips. “Hard to give up a dream, man, but I love her—”

“I need to call my sister,” I growl, stopping on the sidewalk.

“Okay,” Benji says as they stop with me. His eyes dart between us. “Come on, let’s hit the student center,” he says to Donovan.

“Hey. Are you okay?” Donovan grabs my arm, studying my face.

No.

My mom is sick.

I don’t know my future.

And guilt eats at me for what I did to them.

Without answering, I turn around and walk in the opposite direction. “Catch you guys later.”

And then I’m gone, running, running…

18

How’s it going? I write in my text to River as I come out of the shower. I’m going to see him in a few hours, but a yearning is there to check in and see how he is. It’s Tuesday and we’ve already checked off two sessions, one in the library and the one in his room.

Where he rejected me. Kind of.

Yeah, I was testing the waters.

He wouldn’t stop staring at my lips.

What else was I supposed to think?

Something is there.

It’s just…

A tiny thread was born at the sunrise, something real and tangible, and I want to see where it leads.

He sat next to me in class Monday, his leg pressed against mine, his hands tapping out a beat only he could hear. I watched the flash of his ring, taking in the silver, wondering what it would feel like to have those hands on my skin, sliding into my hair, up my thighs, parting my legs, then I was down a rabbit hole of him kissing me.

Heat washed over me, and I had to look away from the visceral pull of him, his magnetic aura that sucks me into his orbit. I brushed my arm against his more than I should have. I smiled at him. I honest to God have no clue what Whitman talked about. It’s like we have a secret, a little thing between us that only we know—or maybe it’s just me.

We left class and he walked me to my next one. I couldn’t tell you one person we passed or saw. We talked about Lady Chatterley’s Lover, his football season, his mom, his sister, his niece, and Crazy Carl. Turns out, he digs him as much as I do. I explained how anxious I was when I first came to Braxton, my first foray into a true campus with people my own age. It’s like… I wanted to tell him a whole year’s worth of things about me, trying to catch him up.