Callie gets on and regales me with the pictures her mom has sent her from Hawaii. She thanks me for the stuffed unicorn I sent her for Christmas. I bought it at the ski lodge and shipped it from there.

“I’m meeting with a scout after the New Year,” River tells me quietly when he gets back on. “Not Dan, the guy I met at Braxton, but one from the New York Pythons. He heard I was in town and called. We’re meeting in Montpelier.”

Joy for him rises. “River! That would be perfect for you and your mom!”

“Don’t get excited. It doesn’t mean anything. Anything can happen at the draft.”

“Houston isn’t your first choice.”

“No. I’d rather stay close to home and Mom. You still stuck on Emory?” His voice is quiet, his eyes intense.

My throat tightens. “I can’t turn down the scholarship.”

“Right. You shouldn’t. It’s your dream.” He nods, then frowns as he looks away for a moment. “I miss you, baby, so bad. I wish this were easier, but…”

Yeah. It’s not.

“Happy New Year, baby girl,” River murmurs to me. “It’s officially midnight.”

I kiss the screen of the phone. “You too.”

“Wish I were there, really kissing you,” he says, holding my gaze.

My eyes close at the need I see in his face.

This empty feeling is only getting bigger and bigger.

Everyone around me is happy—and I’m not.

My mom dances around my den, waving Christmas garland, then lands in my dad’s arms and they kiss.

River laughs, but it sounds forced. “I see where you get it. Smoke any pot?”

I push a smile up. “Lila and Colette are still in Ellijay. Mom smoked one from Lila’s stash. I’m sure Lila would love her.”

He nods. “Hey, I’m headed to Indianapolis the last weekend in February for the combine. Scouts and agents will be checking me out. It’s about a ten-hour drive for you, and I thought, maybe, you could come. I mean, I won’t be able to visit much…we spend most of our time on the football field…” His voice trails off.

I shake my head. “I’m supposed to meet with my Emory advisor that Friday morning. It’s a group thing to meet the faculty and my cohorts. Afterward, I may scout some neighborhoods for a place to live.” I sigh, feeling anxious. “Spring break is the first week of March.”

“Mom and I are going to Baltimore that week. Her clinical trial starts then.”

“I’m so glad she got in.” I smile widely. He told me yesterday that she was admitted but I didn’t know the dates.

“It could be a gamechanger, Anastasia.”

I see the hope on his face and my heart clenches. I send up a silent prayer, Please let it work.

He sighs. “The draft is in late April, but maybe we can carve out a weekend earlier in the month? I could fly in to see you. A lot of it depends on Mom and her schedule. Everything’s just…up in the air, baby. I thought about maybe flying to see you in mid-January, but Rae and Jagger are moving then, and I don’t think I can swing it.”

My throat tightens. “Of course. We’ll circle back to April when you know more. I graduate May 15th.”

Four and a half months away…

“No matter what happens, I’ll watch you walk.”

“This is hard,” I whisper, searching his face. There’s more I could say: I’m missing you so much it’s a physical blow, I can’t stop thinking about us skiing, us making love, or the way your face looked when you walked away…

I can’t because I don’t want to pile guilt on him for leaving, don’t want that at all. His mom needs him, and I get it, I get it…

He exhales as he watches me, seeing me. “I feel it too, but I’m here. Waiting for you.”

I hug my parents outside the airport on January 5th.

Dad gives me a kiss and wheels their luggage inside while Mom hangs back. She takes my hands and gives me a tremulous smile. “Thank you for the gift of your company these last few weeks. I am so incredibly proud of you, sunshine. River seems wonderful. The way he talks to you…”

I smile wanly.

“Dad’s waving for you to come on,” I say on a laugh after she keeps staring, not letting go of my hands.

She blows him a kiss then looks back at me. “Listen, when you like a flower, you pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily, hold it close, tell it your secrets, and watch it bloom and grow strong. You grow strong with it.”

“Buddha.”

She shrugs. “Sorta. I kind of mashed it up with my own thing.”

I shift around, fidgeting. “What are you trying to tell me? Is this about River?”

Her head cocks. “You’re very sad, Anastasia. It worries me. I’ve never seen you like this. You seem…lost.”

I bite my lip. “I’m sorry, I tried to be—”

“No, no, don’t apologize for your feelings. I know my little girl and when she’s hurting.” She cups my face. “Just…if he’s it, hold him close. Everything else will come.”

I pause. “Everything?”

She nods. “Love is first, sunshine. It’s rare to find your person. Water it.”

The next day, I’m trudging up the steps of the Wyler building, my class schedule clasped tight in my hand. Sixth floor. Dr. Miles. A Study of the Romantic Poets. Right up my alley. Welcome to the first day of class.

So why is there a hollow feeling in my stomach?

Cold wind brushes my hair as a text comes in. Have a good first day. I’m on my way to meet with the scout. Miss you. Love you.

That empty pit inside me gets a little bigger. With the miles between us, it almost feels as if we never happened.

I’m missing him seeing the little things you have to experience in person.

The moment Carl rushed up to me at the bar and told me June came in his house and cooked dinner for them.

River wasn’t there the night she told me about Roland, her son. We sat in her RV and she poured out her story, the struggles of raising a son without his father, the loss of a job and their home, then the shelter fire.

He missed seeing Benji show up at the bar last night with Spike. The lizard got spooked by something and leaped over the table and landed on Parker’s head. Then bit his ear. Okay, not funny. He’s okay. Lila chasing Spike across the bar? Now that was hilarious. She tossed a metal bowl on top of him then danced around like it was an everyday thing. Later, I went outside to toss some trash and watched Benji and Lila as they kissed next to his truck.

He didn’t experience any of those things.

And I’m here.

Alone.

I step into the elevator, and my heart pounds, wishing, hoping for a man who isn’t going to suddenly appear. He can’t. He has commitments, real ones that are lifechanging.

A guy gets on, an ATO. He smiles at me then pushes the button for his floor, and I wince. I always slapped it for me and River.

“You alright?” he asks.

I blink rapidly, realizing he must have asked me something.

“Um, what floor?” he inquires.