“Oh, sixth.”

He pushes it. And he’s not him, not him, not him.

I’m in a daze when I walk into the classroom, the same one from last semester. It makes me gasp. I didn’t even notice it on my schedule.

Benji waves at me, and I head his way and sit next to him.

“I can’t believe you talked me into adding this at the last minute,” he grumbles. “At this rate, I could be an English major.”

I push out a laugh. He’s been in and out of my apartment for the past couple of days—with Lila. I’m happy for them, I am, but…

I miss River so much.

The professor starts the lecture, and I try to focus as she runs through the syllabus.

I’m not listening. I’ve racked my brain for a way to fit me into his life, and I can’t see it.

If I knew where he was going to end up, I might take a stab at finding a law school there, but most universities have already closed their admissions for the fall.

Benji leans in. “Hey, he told me to give you this, said he wanted you to have something the first day. He dictated and I wrote it. Dude is a poet if you ask me. Never knew that about him.” He slides a note over, and I take it with trembling fingers.

* * *

Anastasia,

I wake up every day and my first thought is, I wonder what skirt you’re wearing. Then, I go to sleep and dream of you. Happy times we’ll have. They’ll come true someday.

My three things for you today: live with no regrets; breathe, baby, just breathe; and like your mom said, a jug fills drop by drop, and soon ours will be full.

It just takes time. Don’t give up on us.

I feel you. Even from here, I feel you, and I love you.

* * *

I stand up at my desk, my chest rising. He’s killing me with this.

He left and I get it, I do, but what am I doing? I don’t want to be this lost without him. I don’t!

What if…what if I…

“Ana?”

I blink rapidly and look at Benji. “I can’t do this.”

His eyes flare. “What do you mean? Ana, wait! You need to help me in this class!”

But I’m gone, running out the door, past the professor, past the students. I’m in the elevator, my hands shaking as I run from the only place I’ve called home, because it isn’t anymore, it just isn’t.

He told me to live without regrets, to breathe, and to let the jug fill up, but…

I want the jug to be full. Now.

After meeting with my advisor for an hour, then going to the admissions office and filling out forms, I get in my car and drive the two hours to Atlanta. Once I’m at the airport, my adrenaline has spiked, and I barley recall using my credit card to buy a direct flight to Albany. The flight is a blur.

My mind races as we land. I rush past luggage and get a rental car. Charge it. Who cares?

It’s three hours later when I pull up to the two-story white colonial. The address is in my phone; it’s where I sent gifts for River and his family for Christmas. A fur blanket for his mom, a unicorn for Callie, a scarf for his sister, a photo of me and River skiing for him.

My phone is dead, and I haven’t been able to call him, which is okay, maybe it’s for the best. He might have talked me out of it.

His truck is here. Good. His meeting with the scout is over.

Nerves fly at me and I push down my anxiety.

I knock on the door then fidget as I adjust my skirt and purple sweater. The wind blows and I pull his varsity jacket around me, the one he left for me.

A little girl opens it. Callie. She’s adorable in person!

She blinks. And blinks. Then smiles. “Wow! It’s so pretty!”

She’s looking at my hair.

I laugh, then bite my lip. “You are too. It’s good to see you, Callie.”

“Who’s there?” comes a woman’s voice, one I recognize from FaceTime.

She comes to the door using a cane to walk. She’s wearing leggings with a baggy Pythons sweatshirt, and her hair is soft stubble on top. Her eyes are blue, startling me with the fierceness.

She lets out a surprised gasp, then reaches out and pulls me inside. She doesn’t speak, not a word, for an entire minute, just takes me in, her hands on my shoulders, seeing me, reading me. A slow smile crosses her face. “Wow. You did something unexpected, didn’t you, Anastasia?”

I nod, feeling the pull of tears in my eyes. “I’m not going back. Just can’t go another day. It’s not the same anymore. June and Carl are there, but it’s not home. I thought it was, but it’s not.”

“Tell me about it,” she murmurs sagely, and it reminds me so much of River that my breath hitches.

Then it all comes out. “My mom said this thing about a flower, and keeping it watered, and I know that’s confusing, you’ll have to meet her to get it, but I’m wilting without him. I miss him, love him, we only had one night, and I thought I could live on that for a few months, just wait and see, but I can’t, and even then, who the heck knows where he’ll be, and I don’t care where he is really, any city will do. I always wanted a home, but home is him and wherever he is. I’m not going back to Braxton…” I stop and wipe the tears I can’t stop from coming.

She laughs under her breath. “Two college dropouts? Insane. Do you have a plan?”

“I don’t even have luggage.”

“Hotel?”

“No. Do you have some nearby?”

She laughs. “You must stay with us, dear. I insist. What about law school? River says you got into Emory. I don’t know much about law, but that’s one of the top universities in the country—”

“It’s nice to meet you in person, Mrs. Tate—”

“Call me Nina. Please.”

“…but you won’t talk me out of leaving school and neither will he. I met with my advisor and he agreed to let me wrap up my last few classes online. I can go to any law school. I don’t care where it is. Not one iota. I might take a gap year, do some volunteer stuff to beef up my application. He left a note for me, his three things, and it was good, so good, but you know what I need? I need his face.” My heart clenches.

She smiles. “He makes the world right.”

I nod and wipe the tears from my face. “I need him next to me. So much. I need him not missing the little things. I need him telling me in person my three things. I told him the day of the sunrise that I needed someone to look into my eyes and tell me those, but I don’t think he really got that I would give up anything for him. Emory is just a school. River is him. He’s the kind of guy who wouldn’t ask me to because he’s about this waiting, and he has waited—for over a year.” I give her a pleading look.

She lets out a soft laugh. “Wow, you can talk.”

“You should see me stoned.” My voice hitches as I clench my purse tight, my need rising higher and higher. “Do you think I’m crazy?”

“No, dear. I would have done the same thing for my husband. I never liked being away from him. You must love River very much.”

My lashes flutter. “So much. Where is he?”

“You mean Uncle River?” asks Callie. She’s taken my hand and looks up at me. “He’s right there.” She points and my eyes follow, finding him to the right standing in the hallway. He’s breathing hard, his hair wet from a shower, a towel around his waist.